


Mouth to mouth, heart to heart

by jonnorinterludes



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: It makes more sense if you watched the show, Justin Foley deserved better, M/M, Plot-Driven, Zach Dempsey deserved better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:41:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28255599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonnorinterludes/pseuds/jonnorinterludes
Summary: The rooftop set things in motion for Alex and Zach.  But a near-drowning at the senior camping trip is what finally forces them both to confront their true feelings.* Branches off from the main story in Season 4 at the senior camping trip and roughly follows the main plot in parallel.
Relationships: Zach Dempsey & Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall, Zalex - Relationship
Comments: 21
Kudos: 50





	1. Mouth to mouth

It was a gorgeous day on the lake. A little bit chilly, just a few weeks after winter break, but sun was up, the air was clear and fresh, and the problems from Liberty High seemed just a little further away in nature as Zach rowed Alex out on the lake. It might have struck someone watching as a little bit odd that Zach was taking Alex out on the small rowboat, like how a man used to take a woman out on the lake in older times, with a parasol and a picnic basket. But Alex was just grateful to be with Zach again, in the quiet of the outdoors. It had been a while since they spent any time alone together. Actually, they hadn't since that night on the rooftop. Alex caught Zach up on a recent development.

"Well I'm sorry about Winston," Zach offered unconvincingly. The sentiment came out superficially, tinged by something deep down in Zach that he had chosen to ignore. Instead it came off almost sounding...

"You almost sound relieved about it. If I didn't know you better, I'd think you didn't _want_ us dating in the first place." Alex was a little irritated. 

"No, I-I mean I'm relieved because he's the wrong guy for you. You are better off without him. He is a pompous ass. He lied. And even if he didn't, what does he care or understand about you anyway? He could buy you and me fifty times over with his pocket change."

 _That much was true_ , Alex conceded. 

"And you are way too hot for him," Zach teased with a dumb "Zach" grin. The hard liquor he had been soaking himself with had loosened his lips and the hot banter had flowed out. 

"OK, now you're just being a sarcastic jerk about it," Alex said.

"I'm serious," Zach said tipsily. He grabbed Alex's shoulders in his hands and looked him in the eyes to emphasize that he was. "You are a handsome, kind, moral, talented person." 

Alex rolled his eyes and sighed forlornly. "So what, does this mean that I can never get involved with somebody, because I'll always be afraid they'll find out about the horrible things that I've done? Or that every time I get close to someone I have to explain that my body doesn't work right from my injuries, and hope they don't get scared away?"

Zach was quiet for a long time, because, as he realized a while ago, they were in the same boat. 

"Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. I though for a moment I had found something kinda close, but I guess I was just wrong," Alex said. He started off his thought with Winston in mind, but by the time the words left his mouth he realized he may have actually been talking about Zach.

"Shit. You know, sometimes we chase shit that we think is going to make us happy, but it doesn't. That's why you gotta be ok just not being happy, because that's what sets you free. The fact that you can just let go of everything and say, 'fuck it all.'"

"Fuck it all," Alex declared. He grabbed Zach's flask and took a swig. "Fuck it all!" repeated defiantly, standing up in the boat.

"Whoah, OK!" Zach grinned and nodded in approval. They were both entangled in a web of horrific, ruinous events, but at least they had each other to commiserate. 

"Fuck it all!" Alex said again.

Zach stood up unsteadily, drunkenly shifting his weight and rocking the small craft. "Fuck it all!" he screamed at the top of his lungs to the woods and his surroundings. 

*SPLASH*

Alex plunged into the icy lake water, the cold shocking his system and overloading his ability to react. His arms and legs, still slow to respond from his injury, weren't registering his signs from his brain to swim in any coordinated way. 

So he sank.

The lake was dark. Daylight, like hope, began to fade as he sank. Alex had a sudden memory of throwing himself into the pool at Bryce's house, wracked by guilt and frustrated that everyone else had hurt Hannah but nobody else wanted to own up to their role in her death. In that pool, he had contemplated not resurfacing to his painful and unhappy world of secrets. But he could resurface then, and did. This time, he could not. Maybe it was time to finally embrace the darkness and the peace it offered. 

As the blackness began to engulf him, Alex's last thought: _I'm going to die just the same way Bryce did_. _Is this how Bryce felt when he pushed him off the pier? Helpless limbs unable to swim? Sinking, lungs burning and wanting to gasp, but air getting further away?_

The freezing pitch-black lake dragging him down felt like Bryce's dead hands pulling him under from beyond the grave. Watery revenge. Poetic justice. Alex's struggle to swim ebbed as he resigned himself to the darkness. _No more hurting, no more secrets. No more lonely lovelessness_. Fuck it all, indeed. 

"Alex!!!"

As soon as he realized Alex had gone into the water, Zach instinctively dove in after without even a split second of hesitation, his strong arms and good leg powering him downward toward the stream of bubbles and the thin frame of the smaller boy slowly drifting down. The water was freezing cold but helped focus him. Like he had done countless times before during pool PT sessions, Zach grabbed Alex tightly and hauled him up toward the surface. But this time, when they breached the surface and Zach gasped for air, Alex did not do the same. 

A panic set in as Zach scanned the water. The boat had drifted away by now and the shore, a better place to revive Alex anyways, wasn't too far off. Alex was heavy and limp, not thrashing or hanging on at all. Zach was taking huge gulps of air as he dragged his friend through the lake. Zach's feet soon touched the bottom. As he hauled Alex a shore, he caught sight of the boy's pale white skin and unresponsive face. Water trickled out of Alex's mouth as his head lolled to the side. Zach was overwhelmed with a wave of emotion at the thought of losing Alex, like he was when he first heard that Alex had shot himself in the head: Panic, loss, sadness, guilt were all nearly paralyzing. 

The fact that he nearly polished off an entire 40 of rum on his own that day was not helping. Zach's head was foggy from drinking all afternoon. The rum had dulled his reaction and memory. He almost lost Alex once, he couldn't lose him here and now. 

_How do you resuscitate a drowning victim? Didn't we cover this in P.E.? Think, Zach!_ If his drunken state kept him from saving Alex, he could never forgive himself...

 _Ok. Mouth to mouth_ \- he would laugh it he weren't so panicked. _Breath...again... chest compressions...breath...again...chest compressions_

As Zach's mouth lowered to Alex's pale blue lips, he was brought back to the rooftop kiss a couple of weeks ago. It was late night, and cold enough to see their breath in the air. Alex had been doing so much better with PT that it had been weeks since Zach had needed to seriously support or catch him. He was so proud of how hard Alex had worked to get to that point. But they were also both a little bit drunk and therefore feeling bolder than caution should have allowed - in multiple ways. Then Alex teetered and lost his balance right on the edge. At first Zach thought maybe he was just joking around, but in that split second he recognized, from putting in countless patient hours of rehabilitation and PT, the difference between shakiness and real danger. Zach leaped forward and grabbed his friend, pulling on his arm and the back of his shirt and to safety. The shock of the moment then slowly dawned on both of them. Maybe they had flirted with death because they of some intense guilt over the horrible things they had seen and done and knew; maybe they were up there because they had suppressed their emotions for so long about this horrible things, and they just wanted to finally feel something again; or maybe they were just drunk, which had melted off their inhibitions and common sense.

Then, Alex's face was suddenly inches from his, then Alex's lips on his. On the one hand Zach nearly bucked his head backward in surprise, but on the other hand something deep down inside of him let the kiss happen, and his eyes closed and he actually returned the pressure, encouraging the kiss to be experienced and considered for a moment that felt like eternity. It was not a bad kiss per se... actually, one of the best kisses Zach ever had. It was Alex that pulled his lips back and Zach's eyes flew open in surprise. Of the millions of things that were spinning in Zach's head in that moment, he had blurted out, "I'm not into guys." It seemed true enough at the time, though only tangentially relevant, because it conveninetly ignored all the other new emotions and feelings awoken by that specific kiss with that specific boy. 

"I'm not into guys." Was he telling Alex that? Or himself?

Things had been a little bit awkward between them since. Zach had meant to talk to Alex about it, to ask him about it, but Alex had been avoiding him. _If there's a God up there, or a cosmic life force or whatever, bring Alex back to me. I promise we will talk about it._ It was unfair and cowardly that Zach had shot Alex down, even if gently, especially since... well... _we will talk about it._

Now it was Zach's lips that were closing around Alex's mouth again and again, breathing Zach's air into Alex's lungs. Willing Zach's life force into Alex's body. Alex began to feel something stir in his unconscious. Just fragments of thoughts tugging at him. _Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy... but there are people who care for me. Everything is fucked up, but there are people who protect me. My body is broken, but there are people who support me. There are people. There is someone. And maybe they need me, too._ And the faintest sensation of lips covering mouth. 

Suddenly, after the third round of chest compressions, Alex twitched and threw up some lake water. He coughed weakly as his eyes began to process the light. More water came up. He became gradually aware of Zach's concerned face inches from his own. Either his best friend had just saved his life, or, he was dead and the afterlife was a peaceful lake holiday with his best friend. Whichever it was, as the relief and consciousness seeped back into him, Alex's earlier despair was replaced with thankfulness. 

Thankful to be alive and especially thankful for Zach. 

Looking drained and weary, Alex managed a deadpan croak: "You finally kissed me back." Zach couldn't hold back a half-laugh, half-sob. He gripped Alex's biceps, not sure which of them that was meant to steady. 


	2. Eye to eye

The sun had dropped low in the sky by the time they made it back at camp. Long shadows lay over the campground and there was a familiar smell of campfire, woodsmoke, cedar, and outdoor cooking. "Grab your pack and sleeping bag. You are bunking in my tent tonight," Zach said. Alex looked dumbfounded for a moment. "I mean, with me and Charlie. You shouldn't share a tent with Winston. What if you talk in your sleep, and accidentally say something about Bryce?”

Alex nodded gratefully. “Thanks. Wait, what - do I talk in my sleep?” 

Clay, Justin, Jessica, Tyler, and the others were straggling in, and by the looks of things, had confronted harrowing experiences of their own on the scavenger hunt. Zach and Alex were still soaking wet and looking miserable, earning more than a few inquisitive stares from their classmates. Neither boy was eager to field their questions, and they collected Alex's things as quickly as possible. Everyone looked on edge; the football players in particular stared down Clay and Justin with daggers in their eyes. Mrs. Jensen and Deputy Standall announced that there would be a campfire class meeting in thirty minutes, then dinner. 

Alex and Zach slipped into Zach's tent. They began the to strip off their wet clothes and towel off. But Alex struggled with his pants clasp, his fingers trembling and slipping from a combination of the cold, fatigue, and his brain injury. In that moment, the gravity of his near-death experience finally caught up to him, and it was overwhelming. _Useless legs that can’t dance. Useless arms that can’t swim. Useless fingers that couldn’t pull the trigger._

”Fucking useless fingers!” He cursed with frustration, and broke into a coughing fit, the sound of some residual water rattling in his lungs. Before he realized it, tears were falling from his eyes.   
  


“Hey, hey - Alex. I can help you with that. It’s no big deal! Are you Ok?” Zach's voice was gentle; concerned but never patronizing. 

A weak low sob followed. “No, I’m not fucking ok! Shit it is so fucked up. I almost died out there today!!”   
  
Zach pulled Alex into a hug, like he had at times before when the blonde had outbursts of pure frustration or anger, and just held onto him for a moment. Sometimes it was to protect Alex from someone else, other times to protect him from himself. And like he did each time before, Alex’s breathing steadied and slowed back down. His lungs were still sore and congested from taking on water. But he could feel Zach’s strong muscular arms wrapping around him, and became hyper aware of the warmth of Zach’s smooth skin pressed along the length of his own freezing chest. 

"Sorry. I think I'm Ok." 

Zach took his jacket and draped it around the thin shoulders of the smaller boy. He then unclasped Alex's waterlogged pants and helped slide them off his legs. 

"Thank you," Alex said, partly for calming him down, but also really referring to saving his life. Thank you seemed like an insignificant response for either, but it was a start. "That's the second time I almost died in, like, two weeks, and the second time it's been you who saved me."

"Yeah, but both times it was pretty much my fault you were in danger to begin with," Zach joked. "But seriously. I was really scared for a moment back there. The thought of losing you..." Zach shook his head, rejecting the possibility as too painful. "And I was pretty drunk both times. So drunk. I think I need to quit..." 

"No shit.”

Zach realized they were both still in just their underwear and self consciously covered up with his towel. Alex thought it absurd, since they had seen each other so many times at the pool, in the school locker room. He knew the curve of Zach's shoulder meeting the bulge of his bicep. The ripple of his abs to the v-line of his hips. The thickness and power in his legs. 

"We've changed in front of each other a hundred times before, and now you're suddenly modest in front of me? Wow, I must have really freaked you out with that kiss on the rooftop," Alex said teasingly to lighten the mood.

_I promised we will talk about it._

To his surprise, Zach admitted quietly: "Actually... I haven't stopped thinking about it."

"I know, I ruined everything, like I always do," Alex said.

"No, that's not what I meant. Look - I've been meaning to ask you - why DID you kiss me that night?"

Alex didn't respond for a long time. "Can we just drop it?"

"I know we were both pretty drunk. Was it just the adrenaline of the moment? From almost falling? Or... "

"Ugh, are you _really_ making me spell it out loud, Zach? Come on. You _know_ the kiss was way more than adrenaline or booze. I know you know."

"Alex, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to hurt you -"

"Well, my feelings are still hurt, ok? So can you just drop it?"

"Just wait, Alex! I'm trying to tell you something." Zach collected his thoughts with a deep breath. "When I said I'm not into guys, it's true I never have been before. But m-maybe that isn't 100% true anymore. I think I'm into at least one guy." His eyebrows were raised toward Alex as if to say, 'you.'

"Zach, you don't have to _lie_ to spare me the embarrassment," Alex snorted with an eye roll. 

"Agggh, you idiot!" Zach said, truly exasperated. "I'm not lying. I mean I don't know. This is all new to me, ok?"

"Well clearly I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

"Then maybe you should try again."

"What do you mean?"

Zach's voice dropped off to barely audible, just above a whisper. He shifted his weight to get closer to Alex in the tent, causing the hairs on Alex's neck to stand up. "I mean...kiss me again. In here, when there's no alcohol, no vertigo, no drowning and no adrenaline in the mix. Just you and me." 

"Are you serious?"

"All that bullshit I was spewing on the boat, about how we were all destined to be unhappy? What if I was just, like, hiding behind my own fear of taking a risk for happiness?" He was babbling on now. "Maybe happiness _is_ possible if we stop chasing the unknowns that we think will make us happy, and just honestly face what's been in front of us the whole time."

"Zach, what are you talking about?" 

"Maybe we can both be happy because we make each other happy."

Alex's ears burned and his heart accelerated loudly. Was Zach saying what he thought he was saying? What Alex had once thought, hoped, before burying those feelings away? Was it a bad joke? But Zach's brown eyes were locked on his, deep and serious and warm as ever. Alex inched toward him. His skin was tingling as he leaned in. 

Then, the loud grating sound of the tent door zipper.

"Hey Zach, are you in here? Campfire in five. Oh and Justin is looking for you." Charlie flipped open the tent door wide open and ducked his head in. "By the way, what's up with you ditching... earlier...ahh... heyyyy Alex." 

All three of them were frozen awkwardly for a second. Alex and Zach, trying desperately to look perfectly normal and definitely _not_ guilty, but still both somewhat damp, and still both in their underwear. 

"Charlie! Uh... yeah, we'll be, I mean I'll be, over there in a minute," Zach said casually as if everything was totally as it should be.

"Zach said I could bunk with you guys tonight. I don't want to be within fifty feet of Winston right now," Alex added, attempting to explain his presence, if not his state of undress.

Charlie processed the scene very slowly. "Oh, ok."

"Hey, um, maybe you should go find Clay and Tyler. I think they are interested in getting in on your special cookies," Zach said, in a tone that said 'you interrupted something.' 

"Right. Yeah." There was another awkward silence. Charlie wasn't getting it.

"Sooo..."

"Right. They're in my bag, uh, under there somewhere," Charlie gestured in the corner of the tent, and barged in unbothered. 

Alex shot Zach an annoyed wordless "what the hell is he doing" look, and Zach gave a tiny nearly imperceptible pursed-lip shoulder shrug. They both struggled to contain a fit of giggles as Charlie started rummaging through his things. Zach shook his head, smiling. 

Alex said, "Um... we should probably..." he motioned his head toward the campfire, and he pulled on a dry pair of pants. Zach let out a soft sigh, and did the same. 

"Found the cookies!" Charlie called out. "Ok, you guys ready to go?"


	3. Face to face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm handsome, charming, and, mmm - I saved you from drowning."
> 
> "Why am I even friends with you."
> 
> \- Zach Dempsey and Alex Standall

**1:22 Alex** )) U awake?

yeah (( **Zach 1:22**

1:22 Alex )) couldn't sleep

me either (( **Zach 1:22**

 **1:23 Alex ))** doc says my lungs will be ok <thumbs up>

<thankful emoji><sweat drop emoji> **(( Zach 1:23**

**Alex )) ( . . . )**

**1:25 Alex ))** thinking a lot about what u said

1:25 Alex )) in the tent

which part (( Zach 1:25 

**1:25 Alex ))** idk just everything

Alex )) ( . . . )

 **1:26 Alex ))** like what are we

? **(( Zach 1:26**

 **1:27 Alex ))** ugh I mean what am I 2 U?

( . . . ) **(( Zach**

( . . . ) **(( Zach**

**(( Zach**

Alex wanted to rip his hair out. The classic 'start typing then delete it.' He wished Zach was there in his bedroom right that moment, though he wasn't sure what he would do to him if he were. Probably strangle him. Maybe kiss him again. Because that went so well the first time around. Alex groaned and threw his phone to the side. Why did he text Zach? He stared at it for what seemed like forever before his eyes started getting heavy. Then, the screen lit up:

( . . . ) **(( Zach**

( . . . ) **(( Zach**

I don't have all the answers but I do know this. I care for  
you and I am happens when we are hanging out **(( Zach 1:38**

happiest* **(( Zach 1:38**

Alex's heart leapt a little bit. Zach's text messages were often confusing on a normal day, but it wasn't the worst reply. 

**1:39 Alex ))** :)

 **1:39 Alex ))** me 2

Talk more tmr? **(( Zach 1:39**

 **1:40 Alex ))** yeah

 **1:40 Alex ))** I think you ow me a kiss tho

 **1:40 Alex ))** *owe

 **1:40 Alex ))** or do I owe you one?

;) **(( Zach 1:40**

Nite Alex **(( Zach 1:42**

 **1:42 Alex ))** Good night Zach 

Alex let sleep wash over him, exhausted, feeling for the first time in weeks like he had one foot on solid ground.

================================

"Charlie! When you drop back that far in the pocket, you have to put more on the ball!" came Zach's exasperated call. "And you have to trust your blockers - you aren't taking enough time to see the pass!"

It was the first time Zach had been back to the field since Bryce had wrecked his knee. He had carefully stayed away from football and the football team ever since he walked out of Kerba's office, vowing never to return. But something about that felt unfinished, and despite the physical and emotional pain associated with the team, Zach was not a quitter. So instead he was leading them from the sidelines. 

"Spot on advice for Charlie," Coach Kerba said, as he stood next to Zach, scanning the field and watching the play unfold. "I'm glad you agreed to come back. These guys would be lost without your leadership. Even if you're off the field, this is your team."

"I don't want to let these guys down. I know I can't be out there with them, but I made a commitment at the start of the year that I would do everything I could to help us win," Zach said. 

“You know, the program at Cal called yesterday, asking for an update on your season. Word has probably gotten around by now about the knee, but I didn't tell them anything yet."

Zach had put off talking to his college recruiter. Technically he already signed his admission and scholarship offer at the start of the season, but there were contingencies in the fine print. He glanced at the scoreboard clock; time to wrap up practice. "Guys, bring it in! Good hustle out there today but a long way to go!" he yelled out.

Out of the blue, Kerba asked, "Have you thought about... surgery? I know it's a long road to recovery, and nothing is guaranteed... but you could still have a very promising career in front of you." Zach could see he was trying to plant a seed. 

"I don't know, coach. I don't really have faith that anything can fix me at this point. I don't know that I have it in me to go through it. Mentally or physically,” Zach said.

"I've seen guys come back from worse, and thrive over time. You just need rest, faith, and hard work. And someone to help you work through the recovery wouldn't hurt. Think about it,” Kerba said, as he collected his playbook and headed out.

As the rest of the team jogged to the locker room, Charlie’s lagged behind. He looked down at his phone then up at Zach with a worried look on his face. 

"What?"

"Gordon Lightfoot, library study room 3, fifteen minutes."

"Shit. Ok. Meet you there."

=========================

Alex was waiting alone in the library study room when Zach arrived, both a few minutes early.

"Hey," Zach said, squeezing Alex's shoulder, maybe for a moment longer and more tenderly than he normally would. 

"Hey yourself." It was the first time they had been alone together, face-to-face, since the camping trip. After his near-death drowning, Alex was out with doctor's appointments and his parents insisted on bed rest, and Zach was pulled back into football. Alex was beginning to wonder if he had just dreamt everything that happened on the camping trip, like it was some kind of alternate fantasy world where Zach reciprocated his feelings. Finally seeing Zach again in the flesh, Alex couldn't help but smile. "So I was thinking, maybe we can hang out at my house tonight? Just the two of us?"

"Yeah! The 'find your drink party' is supposed to be back on tonight, but we can skip it. We haven't had any quality Zach and Alex time in forever."

Before they could solidify any plan, Jessica and Justin came into the room, followed by Clay and Ani shortly after. The said their terse "heys". Tyler and Charlie were the last to arrive. Nerves were high clearly high for everyone. 

"Okay, I'll start. Clay, what the hell?" Jessica said. "You knew about Winston's alibi for Monty this whole time, and you never thought to warn us?!"

"I though I was protecting you. We didn't want to say anything until Ani and I could get to the bottom of what he knew." Clay looked downtrodden. 

"Well, fat lot of good that did for Alex, who ended up dating the psycho," said Jessica.

"- We weren't dating" / "- They weren't dating" Alex and Zach interrupted simultaneously.

"Whatever," Jessica said, giving them both a weird look. 

"Clay, are you ok? You look like hell," Tyler observed quietly. 

"Yeah, well that happens when you don't sleep for days because of the stress of this whole shitty situation," Clay said.

"He's been acting weird for weeks," Justin added. 

"I've - uh - I've been having these - I mean, I've been seeing things. Like Monty's ... ghost, Bryce's, or something." 

"Jeez," Charlie said, shaking his head. 

Alex swallowed a lump in his throat. He had panic attacks recently too, over the guilt and stress of hiding and lying. He had thought he saw Bryce drifting up from the lake that day. He didn't mention it out loud. None of them looked particularly well. The group sat in uneasy silence for a moment.

"So what does Winston _actually_ know?" said Jessica.

Ani gave a recap. "He knows that Monty didn't kill Bryce, and because we put the blame on Monty, it has to have been one of us. And he is so distraught by Monty's death that he's now hellbent on finding out who. But beyond that, we don't know exactly what he knows." How was Ani always the one to know everything that was going on?

Justin groaned. “This is an absolute clusterfuck. Remind me again, why are we all risking our necks to cover for Alex?" He demanded.

Zach's eyes smoldered. Oh no he didn't. "Have you forgotten how Bryce hurt each of us? It’s not just on Alex alone. Alex was defending and avenging each one of us, not to mention Hannah. He had the courage to deliver justice when nobody else could or would. Not our court system and not a single one of you," he said. 

Clay and Tyler gave each other side glances, a little taken aback at how aggressively Zach defended Alex. 

"Wait a minute, is _that_ what Alex has been saying?" Jess snorted. "I was there that night at the pier. Bryce’s final words were, 'I am going to break Zach's other knee and wreck his fucking life, I'm going to destroy him.' And then Alex said, 'you are not going to do anything to Zach.' Splash.” Jess crossed her arms.

The whole group looked at Alex and Zach. Internally, Zach's head was spinning. Alex had never told him what was said in those final moments word for word. But Zach kept quiet. 

"Ok, well we have to do some serious investigation tonight at Find Your Drink," Clay said, breaking the awkward silence. "We have to know what Winston knows. That smug little shit. And Jess, we need more out of Diego. He's getting way too close for comfort."  
  
"I hate these types of parties. I’m not going," Alex said.

"Yes. You. Are." Clay said. "You're in the middle of all this and besides, it would look suspicious if just one of us acted differently from the rest of the group. We're all going." 

Alex and Zach shot each other a pained look. "Fine," Zach said.

So much for Zach and Alex time.

=========================

Music streamed through the spacious mansion at the senior Find your Drink party. Liberty High students packed the place, trying to forget about the trauma the school had suffered through in the past two years and have some semblance of a normal teen experience. By 11:30, it was packed, with guests from other schools, some invited and others self-invited, making their way through the party. And in the kitchen, a time-honored tradition unfolded: the drinking game. 

Winston, Jess, Zach, Clay, Diego and Luke sat at the table, Solo cups in hand. Alex, Ani and several others from the football team looked on. 

"Truth, dare or drink," Diego explained. "And the number of drinks keeps going up by one every time someone chooses 'drink.' So Zach: truth, dare, or drink?"

"Drink." He took a shot-sized sip. "Winston?"

"Truth," Winston chose. 

Zach asked the question at the absolute top of his mind. "What was the real reason that you tried to date Alex?" 

Winston scowled with annoyance as Alex looked on transfixed. "The truth is that I was lonely. And I was attracted to him."

"Why?"

"You only get one question," Luke said.

Zach stared down Winston for a second, trying to decide if his answer was acceptable, but Winston had moved on. "Jess. Truth, dare, or drink?"

"Drink," she said, taking two generous sips. "Clay?"

"Truth."

"Ok, I have one. How many girls have you gone all the way with?" Jess thought it was a softball question, but with Clay, you never knew. 

"Uhhh..." Clay stalled. "Well, zero, actually." There were a few scattered chuckles around the room. Ani looked uncomfortable.

"Zero? Weren't you dating Skye for like, months?"

"Well, uh, we did other stuff, but not that," Clay said awkwardly. He didn't mention the small detail that he kept seeing Hannah's face whenever he tried to have sex with Skye. The game wasn't called _the whole truth and nothing but the truth, dare, or drink_. "Back to Winston."

"Dare?" Winston said, getting the suspicion that he was being set up.

Clay knew exactly which dare would reveal Winston as their stalker, once and for all. "I wanna see your phone. Two minutes - unlocked."

"What? Why? No way."

"Hand it over!"

"I'm not giving you my phone."

Everyone in the room suddenly felt the mood turn then. What started as a fun boozy game had become a tense standoff. Suddenly, Clay lunged at Winston, grabbing for his phone on the table while trying to elbow him out of the way. But Winston shoved him back harder, growling, "Back off you psycho!" They stared each other down angrily for a long moment. "I'm done with this bullshit," Winston finally declared, turning tail and storming out of the room, phone in hand.

"Whatever," Clay fumed. He stood up in frustration went to confer with Ani, leaving with her in the other direction.

"Pfff, what a bad sport," Jess shaded Winston. "C'mon babe, let's go dance," she said, grabbing Diego by the hand. 

The rest of the room emptied out as partygoers left to find better music, a better vibe, and better drinks. Luke followed them out, muttering something about needing to piss. Zach shrugged and polished off his drink. Eventually, it was just him and Alex left. "Sorry we didn't get our Zach and Alex time," he said. 

"It's Ok," Alex said. "But it's not like we learned anything useful from Winston. God, Clay is really going off the deep end," he lamented.

"Well, I guess we did learn one thing. That you are an attractive catch," he said with a wink. Alex rolled his eyes. 

"Alex, I know this isn't the best time for this, but... do you want to talk?" Zach felt nervous and a little drunk. Alex nodded. He shyly took Alex's hand, checked if the coast was clear, and led him into a side hallway. 

Zach hadn't forgotten the last time he was in this situation: desperately needing to have an honest talk with Alex, but inadvisably drunk. It was the Valentine's dance, soon after the rooftop kiss. Zach was still overcoming his denial about his attraction to Alex, while trying to keep their friendship afloat and on good terms. In fact, he had planned to talk to Alex at the dance, to apologize and confess his feelings. But when he tried, Alex had brushed him off, complaining, "You're cramping my style." 

That remark stung - it was probably half kidding, knowing Alex. But Zach needed several sips from his pocket flask to dull the edges off that sting, as he watched Alex walk off into the crowd. Probably for the best, anyway. _Alex doesn't need to chase after me, some confused washed-up jock with no future. He is better off with a self-assured guy who can keep him far away from our group's disastrous situation_. He took another generous swig as he watched the blond head bobbing further away in the sea of students. Only later did he realize that he practically pushed Alex into the arms of Winston, a realization that triggered a near-freefall downward spiral. Zach was at his lowest point ever, out on the lake that day. Now Alex was in front of him again and the last thing he wanted to do was screw it up.

He didn't really know where to start. He said so. "On the rooftop, I told you I wasn't into guys because I didn't know what to say. I guess I was scared, OK?"

"Scared? Of what people will think?" 

"Maybe... but more scared of screwing up our friendship. That I won't be able to be what you need me to be. And that I'll end up hurting you even worse."

"I don't need you to be anything more than you already are!"

Zach smiled with relief when Alex said that. He felt Alex saying to him, _everything will change between us, but nothing will change between us_. And that had a way of peeling back his walls... like Alex had a tendency to do. Like they had a tendency to do to each other. "Look, this is all new to me. I think I have real feelings for you, I've just never thought about being with a guy until now. I don't know if I'm ... bi, or what."

"Good God Zach, it's 2019. Can we skip the part where we have to have a label before we give ourselves permission to like somebody? I mean I don't exactly know what I should call myself, and I don't give a shit. I guess bi, since I loved Jess, but we never had sex so..." 

"Jesus, my dad would roll over in his grave if he knew I liked another guy." Zach ran his hands through his hair. "He wouldn't approve, and now he's not around anymore for me to change his mind."

"Zach, are you even attracted to me? Physically, I mean?" Alex finally asked him, point blank. 

"Oh hell yeah," Zach said without hesitation.

That got Alex's attention. "Like attracted how?"

Zach was suddenly very shy, but serious.

"Um... well, you have these beautiful deep blue eyes. And you have these supermodel cheekbones."

Alex felt suddenly very hot around the collar and a bright blush began spreading from his ears to his cheeks. "Go on..."

"And you have a beautiful smile - or like half-smile thing that you do. And..." Zach leaned in a bit and lowered his voice with a wicked grin. "And I've seen your ass. Naked."

Alex's heart skipped two beats. In an impulsive outburst of boldness, he grabbed Zach's hand by the wrist and gently guided it down, sliding it down his lower back so it cupped his ass and held it there. With a sly grin of his own, he leaned over and whispered in Zach's ear, "you mean... this ass?"

Zach was instantly aroused. Turned on like a switch was flipped. He could barely manage a faint "mmmhf!" and curl his lip with desire. 

Just then, they heard voices down the hall. Zach snatched his hand back just as Diego, Jess, and Luke sauntered past. Jess giggled. "Zach Dempsy and Alex Standall. Don't you have drinks to find? Come join us upstairs!" 

"Yeah!" Zach said half-heartedly. "I was just about to go grab some more drinks. For us. In a minute." 

"Noooo come with us now," insisted Diego. Another group of party-goers stumbled through, looking for a room to hang out. There was no longer any privacy whatsoever back there anyways. 

"Drinks now Dempsey," Luke said.

Alex shot Zach a look of frustration at the interruptions. So only he could hear, Zach said, "Hey, I saw a theater room way at the back of the house. Meet me there in five minutes." Alex could only watch, annoyed, as Jess grabbed Zach's hand and absorbed him into the passing group. Then Alex sighed and slipped away to look for the theater room.

=====================

The party was still kicking into high gear as Zach poured himself another generous drink at the upstairs bar. He was politely waiting for Diego and Jess to get distracted so he could get away. Sure enough, the two of them started getting into it: Diego accused Jess of still having feelings for Justin, and Jess denied it; then it escalated with Diego accusing her of knowing who killed Bryce, and Jess called him paranoid. It wasn't long before they took the argument into a side room, and Zach thought he had found his opening, but as he turned to go back toward the stairs, a familiar voice called out. 

"Hey Zach. I heard you would be here tonight. It's good to see you again."

Chloe. The radiant cheerleader in an impeccable high-slit black party dress, confident as ever.

Zach's feelings toward Chloe, and her role in their group's secret, were incredibly complicated. Objectively, she was a beautiful girl. And helping her through her difficult abortion went a long way to redeeming Zach's conscience, still traumatized from enabling Bryce all those years. She was every bit his victim as the other girls. Yet, they never became more than friends. Zach never crossed that line with her, even though the ingredients were there. For starters, he quickly realized that they didn't really have all that much in common as far as personality or interests. Plus, every time he thought about getting intimate with her, he would see Bryce's leering face staring back, taunting. 

"Chloe! You look .. amazing tonight. I'm sorry I didn't return your calls. I've just been really - " Zach caught himself. He had been telling people 'busy' over and over. He told that to Justin. He'd even told that to Alex. He thought he owed Chloe at least a little bit more of the truth. "I've just needed to take some time to figure out some stuff about myself. And what I want."

"It's Ok, Zach. You don't have to explain. I just wanted to say thank you. For helping me get to where I am," Chloe said. But her sentiment masked a certain longing. She missed his friendship and support. For a while, she was convinced that they would get together; after all, she had dropped so many hints. Suggestions for hangouts with romantic potential, and she even invited him to stay over a couple times. So when she heard that Zach would be at this party, she came searching for answers, to look him in the eye one last time for a glimmer of what she felt that summer. "Have a drink with me?" she asked.

Zach obliged her. "How was your winter break?"

"It was really nice. We had a great ski trip to Tahoe for New Years, our annual tradition. How about yours?"

"You know, mostly with the family this year."

As they talked, Zach felt increasingly guilty about how distant he had been to her and everyone. Truthfully, another reason was that he'd realized he harbored some lingering resentment and a little blame for Chloe's small part in derailing his life. Nothing that was directly her fault, of course. But if he hadn't hung out with her, Bryce never would have gotten jealous enough to shatter Zach's knee at the homecoming brawl. And the homecoming brawl may never have become a brawl, if Jessica hadn't started a protest group, which she did partly because Chloe never testified against Bryce in Court. And if Bryce never shattered his knee, Zach would have never beat him within an inch of his life. If Zach had never beat him, Alex would never have protected him and pushed Bryce. On the tapes, Hannah called it a butterfly effect, and Chloe was one of the most beautiful Monarchs in their swarm of confused insects. Maybe she hadn't flapped her wings a certain way, they would never all be in this huge mess. 

Or maybe they would. Incredibly complicated. And of course, there was Alex. Even when he was hanging out with Chloe, Zach's thoughts would often subconsciously drift to Alex, wondering how he was doing or what he was up to. 

Actually, he was doing it right now...

=====================================

Alex stared blankly at the screen in the theater room. Because of course this massive mansion had a theater room. He was thankful that no couples had found their way here for private romance; it was deserted. Oddly, "It's a Wonderful Life" is playing on the TV. But Alex wasn't really paying much attention to it. It had been more than twenty minutes since Zach had left to find another drink, and anxiety was eating away at him. Did Zach forget about him? Was he being ditched? Maybe Zach got freaked out by Alex's flirting. Zach probably changed his mind.

The curtain door pulled back. Alex's heart jumped, but it was Charlie, not Zach, who wandered in. His face fell in disappointment.

"Hey Alex. What are you doing in here?"

"I'm hiding," he said forlornly. "I hate these kinds of parties." 

"Yeah, me too honestly," Charlie said. But Alex's depressed look seemed worse than just social awkwardness. He looked like a person preoccupied with someone else on his mind. Charlie helped himself to a seat on the couch. After a moment, he tried: "Sorry to hear about you and Winston."

"What do you know?" Alex asked.

"Just that... you are a good person. And I'm sorry if you're hurting."

"It's not about Winston," Alex sighed. "I haven't even thought about him for days," he said truthfully.

"Well... good. You are too handsome to be moping about a breakup, anyway." Then, Charlie boldly put his hand on Alex's knee, looking him in the eye. 

Alex was a little surprised, a little flattered, and a lot preoccupied with Zach. "Wow, you're very confident."

"I am very confident. Most people find that attractive." Charlie flashed his quarterback toothy smile, though there was just a hint of insecurity underneath.

"Actually, I'm suspicious of confident people. Look, you're a really nice guy Charlie. But you don't want to get involved with me, ok?"

"Why not?"

Alex assumed his deficiencies were obvious for everyone to see, and became frustrated he had to spell it out. "Because I'm a horribly fucked up person! Could you ever understand how messed up I feel every day having to live with the awful things I've done? Do you have the patience to work with me an hour just so I can move my leg a little higher than I did yesterday? Are you going to know what to say to me when I have a freak out from my brain injury? " Alex asked, rhetorically.

As Charlie listened, the pieces of the puzzle of Alex Standall started to fit together before his eyes. Charlie said quietly: "Maybe not."

"Exactly," Alex scoffed. "I like hanging out with you, but you don't _really_ know me. You don't really get what it would mean to be in a relationship with me. At this point I don't know who could."

"Actually ... I - I think you just described Zach."

And there it was.

"I have to go," Alex said. 

=================================

"I'm glad you are doing so well. What are your plans for next year?" Zach asked, still feeling guilty about ghosting Chloe these past months. 

"Actually...I got into UCSD!"

"Congrats! That is amazing. I am so happy for you," Zach said truthfully. "I knew you would rise up to do some amazing things."

"No small thanks to the love and support you've given me in my darkest times," she said.

"So ... are you seeing anyone right now?" 

"No, I decided I have to work on myself first and deal with my own issues before I burden someone else with them."

"Wise words from a wise girl."

"What about you? A string of conquests, I bet?"

How could he explain to Chloe that he thought he was in love with Alex, but only just now realizing it? 

Zach exhaled in a trademark half sigh, half laugh. "Actually... not exactly. I've needed to take some time to sort out my feelings for someone. Someone who is very special to me, a good friend for a long time.. who I realized should be something more," he said vaguely. But they cross wavelengths in that moment. Chloe, desperate for a sign all night, saw a mirage of herself in that ill-conceived statement, though Zach was miles away thinking of Alex.

"Oh, Zachie. I think this 'friend' feels the same way," she offered. Then before he could react, she stood on her tiptoes, touches her lips to Zach's. And Zach, distracted by his thoughts of Alex, didn't stop her.

The surprise of that moment, just like the surprise of being kissed by Alex on the rooftop, made time seemingly stand still for a moment. Chloe’s kiss was pleasant, and it underlined the affection he felt for her. It was trusting and gentle, modest and thankful. Alex’s kiss was the polar opposite: a jolt of lightning, yearning and passionate, urgent and brave, it made Zach feel alive and invincible like nothing else in this world. Awakening. Like Alex.

And as Zach pulled back from Chloe, he had a sudden pit in his stomach. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a distant figure, a slight blond staring at them from the top of the stairs.

“Alex!”

The boy, standing eyes-wide at the top of the staircase on the other side, blood drained from his face and utterly devastated. Zach had only seen Alex like this twice before. Once when he found out Jessica left him for Justin. And then again on the rooftop, after the kiss when Zach had blurted out, "I'm not into guys."

“Alex, wait!”

But he was gone.


	4. Heart to heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach is finally forced to reckon with his drinking with the help of a friend. Tyler and Alex see the party from a different perspective. Zach enlists Tony's help on a plan to fix things at a familiar setting.

The sun was already up by the time Zach awoke - or perhaps ‘regained consciousness’ was more appropriate. He had the mother of all wicked headaches and was too nauseous to move. Everything was a bit of a blur. He recognized his room. He tried stepping backwards through his memory...how did he get here? They came from the party. He remembers a drunken amped-up Clay demanding to drive his car for some reason; luckily the only good decision he made that night was to let Tyler, who was sober and had been there to take some yearbook pictures, drive them back. Then other events from the party slowly started to take focus: Chloe. The kiss. 

Alex. _Oh God, Alex_. Shit. Actual tears escaped from Zach’s closed eyes at the realization that he may have somehow screwed up and pushed away the one thing that was actually going right in his messed up life. 

Zach had tried to go after Alex that night, drawing stares from other party goers as he dashed through the house, all the while thinking, what the hell just happened? But he knew what had basically happened. He had many drinks to lower his inhibitions, so he could be a little flirty with Alex. But Zach and alcohol are not a good mix, and soon after, he got to a manic-drunk point, which includes being flirty with everybody. Then losing all sense of time, self-awareness, and short term memory.

The kiss from Chloe was a bad look. A huge mistake. Alex already didn’t like her much since she monopolized Zach’s time that summer. Zach had dug himself a deep hole indeed...

And when Alex was nowhere to be found, Zach slipped into a despair. Naturally, that led to drinking and more drinking. So much drinking. Zach felt his stomach heave. Everything was messed up, everything was wrong. 

He had to make this right. Exactly how was another matter.

And then on top of all that, Zach looked over to the corner of his room and saw the camera pointed right where he just thrown up. 

_Oh fuck. I am so grounded for life._

* * *

Deputy Standall relaxed in the kitchen, after a long Sunday shift. He hated Sunday shift, it was mostly processing and discharging a lot of drunk and disorderlies from the previous night. Actually, he hadn't enjoyed his job ever since Bryce Walker's murder, and its consequences. “Is Alex coming down for dinner?” Bill asked his wife, concerned.

“I don’t think so. I tried knocking on his door and all he said was ‘leave me alone’,” Carolyn Standall said.

“He has barely left his room all weekend. Should we be concerned?”

Carolyn chewed on her lip anxiously. “I’m always worried when it comes to Alex these days. Your gun?” She asked.

“I just changed the combination again. It’s secure,” he assured her. “Did he mention anything at all what happened?”

“Not much. I tried asking him if he was being bullied again and he said ‘no, it’s nothing like that.”

“Maybe something happened at that Friday night party. He was pretty happy before that, right?”

Carolyn agreed. “When he tried to hurt himself before, he was torn up with extreme guilt. This feels different. I remember he was acting this way for a while when Jessica broke up with him last year.”

”Did they get back together? I didn’t think Alex was dating anyone recently.” 

Carolyn shrugged and shook her head helplessly. “Nobody I heard about, and certainly nobody long enough to break his heart this badly. The three people he’s known longest and was closest with since first starting at liberty were Jessica, Hannah, and Zach.”

Bill smiled. “That Zach kid is great. What a blessing for everything he’s done for Alex.”

”Absolutely. I haven’t seen him come by the house for a long time, though. Before winter break, probably?”

They were both quiet for a moment, staring at each other, trying to gauge what the other was thinking.

“You don’t think - ” / “What if - ” they started talking at the same time. 

“What were you about to say?” Carolyn asked.

“No, you go first.”

She thought about it, then shook her head. “Never mind. Let’s give him some more time. If this gets to the point of affecting school, maybe we can give Karen Dempsey a call, and see if Zach knows anything. I’m sure he would be happy to help.”

Deputy Standall smiled and took his wife’s hand. He still never told her about what Alex had done to Bryce, as it would only worry her more. It was something that he would have to work through with Alex, without her, for now. “It will be ok. That sounds like a good plan. Shall we eat?”

* * *

Here... where r u? (( Alex Friday 8:47pm 

Zach Friday 8:52pm )) look for the piano 

lol, k (( Alex Friday 8:52pm   
Delivered

 **Zach** )) 6 Notifications

 **Zach Saturday 2:36pm** )) Hey

 **Zach Saturday 2:40pm** )) Can we talk?

 **Zach Saturday 3:51pm** (( missed ))

 **Zach Sunday 11:03pm** )) U there?

 **Zach Sunday 11:18pm** )) can u at least respond so I know ur ok

 **Zach Sunday 1:39pm** (( missed ))

* * *

The boxing gym was busy in the late afternoon. Would-be fighters bobbed, weaved, and hit to the energetic remixes of pop music, adding off-beat thudding around the bass drum line. Alex was training with Tony in the ring. He was totally focused on the rhythm of the strike pattern on Tony’s punch mitts: _jab, cross, jab, cross, duck; jab, cross, jab, cross, duck_. Both boys were sweating and in deep concentration on the workout. With each progressive round, Alex became increasingly aggressive, managing to put serious force behind each punch in the drill, using his pivoting weight to smack Tony’s hand. Tony was impressed at how Alex was getting the hang of throwing a serious punch. He could also tell Alex was pissed at something or someone. But that aggression was also sloppy. Overextending on his cross made him late on the duck. Tony’s mitt swiped Alex’s head with a smack.

“Ow!”   
  
“You overcommitted on the cross. Too focused on offense,” Tony said. 

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, a little out of breath.

”Not bad at all though,” Tony said. “You have improved a lot these past few weeks. Better form, stronger hits. Something has you really pissed off. Or someone?"

"I'm fine," Alex lied. 

"Ok. Well, good warm up. You ready to spar?”

Alex nodded. They put on their head gear and tapped gloves.   
  
Tony took it easy on his trainee, telegraphing his movements and punches. To his surprise, Alex’s form looked more natural and his guard solid; Tony's test punches were mostly brushed off. They circled each other, and Alex there a few tentative jabs, feeling out Tony's pattern. Then when Tony went for a right hook, his left hand dipped slightly. Alex reacted in a flash, with a quick cross to the face. Tony was caught off guard momentarily, but was able to deflect the worst of Alex's counterpunch. The less experienced boy was now off balance, and Tony gave him a quick combo to the side of the head, knocking him down.

“Not bad, Standall, not bad at all," Tony said approvingly, helping up his trainee. 

“Thanks.”   
  
“The only thing you need to improve on is your foot work,” he said, tapping Alex’s foot with his own. "You have to move your feet constantly to shift your weight properly."

Alex grimaced. “I know, but the footwork is the hardest part for me. Especially the left one, as you can imagine.”

”Ok... well think of it like a kind of dancing with a partner. It’s the same principles of anticipation, rhythm, weight placement and extension.”

”Dancing is another thing I’m terrible at, and have no desire to try.”

“Really? No one ever taught you how to dance?”

“Maybe once, kind of? I wasn’t really able to concentrate on the lesson, though. I would call it more like supported leaning.”

Tony ignored the last comment as Alex just being weird. "Well, you just have to adjust your stance a little bit so you can favor your right leg without compromising your defense... think Karate kid style,” Tony said, repositioning Alex’s stance like he was a fashion mannequin. Then casually: ”Now are you gonna tell me what’s bothering you?”

"What do you mean?"

"You are never this aggressive. You have a look in your eyes like you want to kill someone, but I don't think it's me, because you are looking straight through me. So what gives?" He continued to adjust Alex's stance and arm position.

Alex let out a sigh. "You mean besides our lives being generally fucked? Well I feel like shit because really put myself out there for someone that I had feelings for, and those feelings were toyed with, and then it turns out the feelings are apparently not returned. So. FML." 

"You're not talking about Winston," Tony said, meaning it more as a statement than a question. Alex didn't answer, so Tony sized up his friend and gave him a no-bullshit look. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Zach and Chloe getting together at the party, would it?" 

Alex tried to act casually, but his blood was boiling. "They did what? How did you know about that?" He had left the party so hurriedly that he didn't really think about what happened between Zach and Chloe afterward, and he absolutely did not appreciate having those blanks filled in for him, implied or otherwise. He felt sick to his stomach.

Tony shrugged. "It's high school. People talk," he said, mostly bluffing based on second-hand rumors. "Are you Ok?" he said, realizing he had hit a nerve and suddenly concerned for his friend. 

Alex shook his head. "I am very much not. Let's go again."

* * *

**Winston 1:02pm** )) Did you find out anything new on what we talked about?

not yet man I haven't really had a chance (( **Diego 1:34pm**

 **Winston 1:36pm** )) <Annoyed emoji> Are you serious about getting justice for Monty or not?

yeah ofc (( **Diego 1:43pm**

I already told u, they aren't gonna crack. We messed w  
Clay and he gonna go crazy b4 he say anything (( **Diego 1:46pm**

 **Winston 1:50pm** )) Yeah but they're not all masterminds. We only have to crack one

Imma sneak out and meet Jess some night this week (( **Diego 1:53pm**

Might find out smth then (( **Diego 1:53pm**

I think Charlie could be involved too. he's the only other one   
who could get into Monty's locker (( **Diego 1:55pm**

 **Winston 2:20pm** )) Let me know as soon as you find anything

<Thumbs up emoji> same. (( **Diego 2:20pm**

* * *

_Soundtrack: Elderbrook feat. Rudimental - Something about you_  
======================

The church basement was so quiet and tucked away, that Zach wondered if he was in the right place. Other than the building door being unlocked, he had little indication he was supposed to be there at all. Zach wasn’t especially religious, nor was his family. The last time he spent any time in church was when his father got sick and was admitted to the hospital. He had tried prayer then, to little effect. It left a bad taste in his mouth that lingered even as he walked the hallway now. It wasn’t all bad, though, because if prayer had worked, then maybe he wouldn’t have spent the one amazing summer with Hannah. And god forbid religion were to mess up his feelings for Alex. He was plenty messed up about that on his own.

He found the meeting room with a little wandering around, but as he was about to enter, he froze, mentally stopping his outstretched hand before it opened the door. 

_Am I ready for this? Is this really necessary? What does this say about me?_ But he looked back on his wreckage of a weekend - his wreckage of a semester, really - and knew he had to go forward. It was a prerequisite to start making things right in his life, with Alex, with everything. _You can do this. You have to do this._ He opened the door. 

At the side of the room, a neatly arranged snack table, with coffee and tea. At the far end of the room, a circle of plastic folding chairs and a few people waiting quietly, all men of various ages: A middle aged man in business attire who probably came straight from the office. A Hispanic guy in laborer’s clothes. A college-aged student with a book bag, scrolling through his phone. A long, dreadlocked fellow who looked unwashed and possibly homeless. Zach thought, _what a freak show. I guess that makes me a freak._

As he approached, he immediately recognized the youngest of the group by the back of his head. Zach sat down heavily in the chair to his left. "Hiiii," he said, without really making eye contact. 

“Zach what the fuck are you doing here?" Justin demanded in a loud whisper, like his sacred space had just been violated. 

”Relax. I’m not here to mess with you. I’m here for me."

Justin scoffed. "Why would you need to come here?"

 _Where to begin?_ He finally looked Justin in the eye. "This last weekend, I got so drunk that I basically blacked out, and Clay and Tyler had to drive me home. At the senior camping trip, I was drinking all Saturday morning. There were fewer days in the last week that I didn't drink than I did. Now Alex isn't speaking to me and I'm afraid I'm about to get worse before I get better." 

Justin was floored. He felt terrible, because if anyone should have seen and understood, it was him. But of course, he had his own demons to battle, and that had blinded him. "Zach, I - I'm sorry, I knew you were going through a tough time. I guess I didn't realize it's been this bad. We should have paid more attention. You are one of my best friends. I should have paid more attention."

"And I’m sorry for always looking down on you for struggling with addiction. I acted like I was better than you or something. I'm such a hypocrite. But if you can forgive me, I could really use your help with... all this." Zach gestured to the whole setup, and ran his hands through his hair which had gotten a little long and shaggy recently.

“I can do that.”

Zach scanned the room. “So does this really work?”

Justin shrugged his shoulders with a wry and humorless laugh. “Addiction is a lifelong battle. A single meeting is scratching the surface. Meetings are one of the tools you may need; but family, friends, love...” he thought of the Jensens, and their near-infinite patience. He wasn’t sure he deserved it. And he knew he was close to pushing infinity. Zach was similarly unsure he had the right tools to do this. But he pictured Alex’s face as a motivator. Beautiful Alex. 

“J... when you came back and got sober, it was to win Jess back? Was that, like, enough motivation? Knowing that using was keeping you from being in a functional relationship with someone you cared for?”

“At the end of the day, you have to work on yourself for your own sake. You owe it to yourself more than you owe it to everyone else. But yeah, Jess was such a powerful motivator. Thinking about reuniting with her got me through my worst days in the street. So who’s your motivation gonna be? Chloe?”

Zach hesitated for a moment, but quickly realized, if he didn’t feel safe in this place, with one of his best friends in life, he wouldn’t get very far. “No, actually...it’s Alex,” he said.

Justin raised an eyebrow loaded with follow up questions, but just then, an older, kindly but thin gentleman took a seat. He took natural command of everyone’s attention. He looked like he had a hard life - maybe in his late fifties, but face a little more creased, hair a little more white, skin a little more brittle. Someone who had struggled with addiction for a lifetime and didn't emerge totally unscathed. A cautionary tale, maybe. "Ok, welcome to NA, everyone. I'm Frank as most of you know. I hope you all had a good week. It looks like we actually have a new visitor joining us tonight," he said, gesturing to Zach. "Would you like to share?"

Zach froze when he felt everyone's eyes on him. "Uhhh, nah, I'm good," he said, suddenly very self conscious and regretting coming. "I'm not sure if this is for me." 

Frank looked a little disappointed but nodded in support. "Ok. Remember, this is a safe space and everything we talk about stays in this room."

He was about to move on when Justin spoke up. "I'll share," he offered, glancing at Zach as if to say, _this is how we do it here_. "I'm Justin, and I'm an addict. This week has been really tough, honestly. I've been broken up with my ex, Jessica for about... eight weeks now? And it's been hard to see her move on. It's triggering for me, and last weekend, after being sober for a long time, I was at a party where I drank, and that led to me using later that night. It's been a tough few weeks. My usual support systems have seemed too busy with their own shit recently..." He smiled at Zach, reassuringly. "But tonight I guess I'm feeling... seen." 

_You can do this. You have to do this._

"I - I guess I can try sharing," Zach said, taking a deep breath and staring down at the floor between his legs. 

"The floor is yours," Frank said warmly.

"I'm Zach, and I'm an alcoholic..."

* * *

The yearbook room was quiet as Alex stared at the darkroom door. Eventually, the red light went dark, and Tyler exited with a stack of developed photos, greeting his friend. He put the stack on the center table of the room and handed half to Alex. "Thanks for coming. I can really use the help to sort through all these party photos I took. I was a little surprised that you came by - you haven't visit me in the yearbook room in ages. What's up?"

"Well, for a while I was trying to avoid Winston. But now I'm kind of avoiding someone else right now. Maybe multiple people," Alex said. “So, how can I help?”

”Here, let's spread them out on the table - try to keep them in order." Tyler began to meticulously arrange the photographs on the table. Groups of teens laughing, drinking, chatting, in a collage of carefree revelry. Alex, the introvert, examined their faces and wondered if he was at the same party. 

"Does it ever bother you to be among all these people having fun, without really taking part in it yourself? Being there to document it, but not experiencing it?"

"Not really, why do you ask?"

"I guess sometimes I feel the same way. External to the fun. External to life, to violence.” Alex shook his head wearily. “I think it's what gets me into serious trouble sometimes. Except I don't have a camera for an excuse."

Tyler explained, “Most of these photos are a lot like most of these people: fake and all hyper-posed for social media. What we want for yearbook are the candid moments. I’m talking about ones that reveal something about people’s inner self, you know? That’s what real photography is about. Like their joys, sure, but also their insecurities. You know, what are you feeling when you don't think anyone is watching?

Alex sifted through the pictures of his classmates disinterestedly. _Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Definitely fake, ugh, who still does duck lips anymore?_ Then he picked up one photo from early in the party, before they really started drinking; him and Zach, both sitting at this random baby grand piano, tinkering around with some four hands and hamming it up. He remembered they were singing a little duet, just riffing some nonsense to the tune of "Your Song," making up words and trying some different harmonies, and cracking up. Nobody else in the photo seemed to get it, nor pay much attention. But in the picture, Alex saw: he was laughing, and Zach looked truly happy. It seemed... genuine, and he remembered it felt so too. 

They scanned through another set. "Holy shit, look at these here." Alex laid out a series of photos that Tyler had taken at the party. Winston and Diego. They were talking at various times throughout the night, both upstairs and downstairs, looking serious and not calling much attention to themselves. "Riddle me this. What possible reason would a popular Dominican football jock and a gay yearbook nerd transfer student have to spend this much time talking at a house party?" 

"This is not great," Tyler remarked. "Those two comparing notes can only cause problems for us." They looked at each other uneasily.

"Do you think they were talking about..."

Tyler just shrugged. 

Just then, Tyler laid out the next batch of photos he had taken later in the night. Of the upstairs bar area. And sure enough, off to the side, Chloe and Zach were very close to one another. Alex felt an overwhelming despair build. Even the kiss that he saw in person was captured in the last photo, sparking an infuriating memory. 

"Oh man, I forgot I had taken these," Tyler offered weakly. "Alex, I'm sorry." 

"For what? It's fine," Alex said, but barely audible, and refusing to look at them again. He had done a horrible job all week of pretending to be unbothered, and his friends had put two and two together a while ago. 

Tyler looked at the photo more closely. “This may not mean much, really. Something about their body language just kinda looks platonic to me," he said. Alex looked unconvinced and also very not keen to study the photos further. 

After a while, Tyler suggested, "Well the only way to know for sure is to ask. It's been quite a few days. Are you ever going to talk to him again? Look, I know Zach and I haven't always gotten along so great, but I also know he is good to you, so for what it's worth, I think you should try working through it."

“What are you, the relationship expert, now?” Alex said caustically.

“Just being honest with you.”

Alex crumpled the last photo in his hand. 

* * *

_Mood: Francis and the Lights - Just for Us_  
==========================

Alex and Jess sat at the tables in the school courtyard, prepping for their upcoming college interviews. Alex read some sample questions. "What are your academic weaknesses? Huh. Can I say that I tried to shoot myself in the head and that doesn't exactly facilitate memorization of complex facts? Oh, look at this one. What would you change about your high school? Yeesh, if they ask you that one, they better be prepared to add thirty more minutes to the interview."

Jess seemed a little distracted and kept glancing at her phone.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Yeah, sorry," she said. "Uh, I think your ride's here."

"What ride?" Alex said. A few seconds later, a bright red mustang ripped around the corner and up to the curb. The engine revved raucously.

"Get in," Tony called out, leaning halfway out the window. 

Alex looked back at Jess with an expression silently asking, _what do you know about this?_ But Jess just smiled and nodded and sent him on his way.

"Where are we going?" asked Alex. 

"Let's go grab some food. My treat."

"Oh, ok. Good, I'm absolutely starving. So, where to?”

"You'll see," Tony said cryptically. 

They left the residential neighborhoods without saying much, and passed through downtown. Tony flexed his driving skill by weaving in and out of traffic, effortlessly moving at a faster pace than the rush hour commuters. Alex squinted as the sun relaxed to a sharp westward angle, maturing into a rich, warm deep yellow. Alex noticed the streets and buildings becoming increasingly quiet and industrial. He didn't know of any restaurants in the area worth this trip. Was Tony stopping to see the old garage? Then, they pulled up to a familiar corner. 

"Why are we here? What is going on?" Alex demanded.

"Listen to me," Tony said calmly. "I'm going to drop you here, I have to go take care of a couple things. If you need me, just text me and I'll come pick you up. But, trust me. I don't think you'll need me." 

"What the hell? I thought you said we were going for dinner?"

"I lied. This is better though. Out you go!”

Alex got out of the car, still confused. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket as Tony drove off with a thumbs up. 

_**Zach 5:47pm**_ )) hey - can you please come up?

Alex tried the side door to the stairwell of the abandoned loft, the same one they had gone up last time. It was dark inside as it was then, smelling of heavy staleness. He remembered the last time he climbed these stairs, following Zach up as fast as he could go, powered by a heady mix of nerves, excitement, and alcohol. He had almost not snuck out at all, as it was hard for Alex to be around Zach, carrying such strong feelings of attraction for his friend. It was also why it was so hard to say no to Zach. After suppressing those feelings for so long, he'd felt constantly pulled between this tension; wanting to be around Zach for the hope of what could be, yet not wanting to be around him, for the fear that it may never be. 

It was still hard to say no to Zach.

Alex was winded as he passed the tenth floor stairwell. _This had better be good_ , he thought, throwing open the door to the roof. He was immediately awash with the warm piercing light of late afternoon turning to early evening, his senses momentarily overloaded. As he squinted, his eyes adjusted to see the breathtaking view. Up here, with some glorious late day light shining, you could see everything; the city winding down its day, bird formations coming back for spring, the distant redwood forests, the sun setting on the horizon. A figure stood near the edge of the roof. Zach, wearing a pair of worn light jeans and a cream cable-knit sweater that hugged his broad shoulders and huge arms tightly; his hair, dancing in the wind that was more animated up here than on street level. _Zach, Zach, Zach. Why do you have to be so fucking handsome._ Zach standing in that light nearly took his breath away, stirring up a current of emotions: embarrassment, jealousy, longing, desire. But outwardly, he remained calm. 

"This is quite an impressive view in the light," Alex said. 

"I still come up here sometimes, just to think and have alone time,” Zach said. 

Alex came closer to the edge, his annoyance at climbing the stairs gone as he just enjoyed being up above the world for a moment. "Are you going to tell me why are we here?" 

"I was hoping you would give me a chance to apologize," Zach said earnestly. “And to make this right.”

Alex was almost too afraid to ask, but he just had to know. “Is it true? Did you hook up with Chloe?”

“No! I swear, nothing else happened after that, no matter what rumors are going around." Zach cleared his throat. He hated seeing Alex broken down this way and he hated that he had himself to blame. “Alex, I am so, so sorry. I don’t know if you will believe me, but for what it’s worth, _Chloe_ kissed _me_. I should have stopped her."

“But you didn’t. And then what, did you tell her you weren’t into girls?”

”Ouch. Ok. I deserved that one," Zach said. 

“Zach, I...” _cards on the table, Alex._ “You know I’ve had feelings for you for a long time. At least since I tried to kill myself. Probably before that, even. I thought you might feel the same way. I _sensed_ you did, the last time we were up here, even when you literally said the opposite. If you don’t, or if you like Chloe or whatever, I can live with it. But the only way to spare me is to be fucking real with me. Please?”

Zach stood right in front of Alex, taking both of his hands in his own and forcing the brooding boy to look him in the eyes. "I know I'm a drunken idiot, and I have a messed up knee, and I have made many, many mistakes, in life but especially with you. But Alex Standall, I want to be with you, and only you, full stop. That's the truth. That’s what matters. So if you want to be with me - and I believe in my heart you do - then, everything else we can figure out. I promise.” 

For the first time in a long time, Alex was speechless. No snappy comeback, no self-deprecating qualifier. Just a smile, a thankful, forgiving, relieved, disarmed, giddy smile. Zach realized he hadn’t seen Alex smile much recently, and it uplifted his whole spirit. He made a mental note to get more smiles out of him.

"Would you...let me have a redo of our rooftop adventure?” Zach said, stepping close to Alex until there was inches between them. "Minus the almost-falling-off-the-roof part, of course," he added. The sun was right on the horizon line then, drenching everything in gold. 

“You know I - of all people - have to be a big believer in second chances,” Alex said softly. Zach didn’t need another invitation. He kissed Alex confidently, wrapping his arms around him to pull him close, and Alex melted into him in that moment. It was like a fulfillment, at long last, of their desire for the one other person who both understood them, and needed them the most, in the world. Zach felt that electrifying, exhilarating energy again, the same sensation from the first time they kissed here, the same sensation as he breathed life into Alex at the lake. They both knew then that it was never about the adrenaline or the alcohol, or anything else; it was the kiss all along. It was them all along.

There was no awkwardness this time. Just trust, passion and reconnection.

* * *

**7:48pm Tony** )) ?

<thumbs up emoji > (( **8:02pm Alex**

* * *

The sound of water running told Diego that Jess was in the shower. He scanned her room carefully, slipping out of her bed, still in his underwear. He felt extremely conflicted about the prospect of searching his girlfriend's room. But ever since their fight at the party, he had his suspicions about whether she was still talking to Justin and what their relationship was exactly. Diego felt he was better for Jess than Justin - he thought most people were, Justin was an addict after all. But he couldn't shake the feeling that Jess might be playing him to keep him distracted from getting close to the truth about Bryce's death. 

He could hear the murmur of Jess family waking up and starting breakfast downstairs. He had to sneak out soon. Nothing stood out to him in her room. A bulletin board with a couple of postcards. A lot of schoolbooks but no diary or anything like that. He couldn't get into her laptop. Diego opened a few dresser drawers, and a few desk drawers. Then in the bottom left desk drawer, he noticed a small brown paper bag. He carefully opened it and pulled out the contents: an old-school walkman tape player with headphones and a single tape. Little red alarms were firing off. Nobody uses tapes anymore. The one and only time he heard of tapes were the ones Hannah Baker left before she killed herself. 

Diego heard the water turn off. Jess' family were making more noises downstairs; breakfast would be ready soon. He quickly put one headphone up to his ear and pressed the play button. 

> _Hey Jess, it's me. Yeah, I know, a tape. Yes, I did it on purpose. Not to be a dick but because the day I listened to those tapes, my life changed._

He quickly ejected the tape and put it in his pants pocket. He put the walkman in the bag and in the drawer as it was, and put his clothes on hurriedly as Jess was getting out of the bathroom. Then he fired off a quick text.

* * *

Winston 2:20pm Tuesday )) Let me know as soon as you find anything

<Thumbs up emoji> same. (( Diego 2:20pm Tuesday

Meet me behind the football field bleachers after school today. I have something. (( **Diego 8:08am Friday**


	5. Player vs. Player

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Zach explore their new relationship. Zach takes more steps on his journey of recovery, and finally comes to understand the night of Bryce's death. Estella gets closer to Jess and Charlie. During college interviews, Alex zooms in on a likely major.

“Ok boys, we are heading out,” said Carolyn Standall, poking her head into Alex’s room to find Alex and Zach playing video games. She gave them a half-serious frown of disapproval. “Did you finish your history project?”

“Almost. I think we are running out of steam for tonight,” Alex said. “We are taking a mental health break.”

“Alright. Well it’s good seeing you again Zachary.” She always had so much more peace of mind when Alex was hanging out with Zach. She somehow 100% trusted Alex was safe with him. His generosity and care seemed to absorb into Alex; whenever he was around, Alex was just generally more kind, positive, engaged, and happy. The past couple of days, Alex was so happy. It was like night and day from last weekend, and the reason was becoming increasingly obvious to both she and her husband. “Zach, you are welcome to stay over if you want. I can text your mom in a minute when we get going.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Standall. That would be easier for me. Have fun tonight!” Zach said. 

They played several more rounds of Super Smash Brothers Ultimate. True to their avatars, Alex played mostly as the diminutive elfin Link, and Zach played as the muscular athletic Ryu. Even with his self-inflicted brain injury, Alex still easily dominated Zach round after round. Eventually, Zach decided to even the odds by distracting Alex. It started with “accidentally” bumping shoulders, causing him to misfire on several attacks. Then Zach escalated to brazenly kissing Alex’s cheek and jawline, which distracted him long enough to land some heavy attacks. 

Finally, Zach leaned over and ran his tongue gently along the sensitive part of Alex's neck, up just behind his ear. Alex shuddered at the sensation, completely losing focus on the game; Link fell off the platform in a giant K.O. blast, in the perfect in-game symbol for Alex's real life reaction.

"No fair! You dirty cheater!" laughed Alex.

"You know I can't beat you fairly," Zach complained with a grin, going in for another K.O. 

"Oh yeah? Two can play that game!" Alex ditched his controller entirely and wrestled Zach off the bed, causing him to miss and drop his controller. The two of them landed with a thud on the floor. Alex straddled Zach's chest and held down Zach's wrists in his hands, pretending to pin him down, knowing there was no way he could in reality, half laughing and half catching his breath. Alex saw his controller next to them on the floor. Zach saw Alex look over at the controller.

Zach gave him a fake-stern look and shook his head like _don’t even think about_ _it._ Alex went for it anyway, and Zach literally picked him up, easily, and dropped him on the bed, landing on top of him and reversing their previous position. 

All of a sudden, the game vanished from his mind. He was instead now totally focused on feeling Zach’s weight and strength pressing against him, the heat radiating from his core, the heaviness of his breathing, the scent of Zach’s hair and shirt and deodorant. He lifted his head up and kissed Zach tenderly, elated that this was a thing he could now just freely do, instead of fantasize about. And Zach kissed him back eagerly, like they needed to make up for all the time wasted back when he was still figuring things out. Looking into Alex’s beautiful eyes, this close up, seemed to unlock even more attentive passion in Zach. 

For now, the most important things were figured. 

As Alex pulled him down closer, he was aware of something else: Zach’s steel hard erection pressing against his inner thigh, obvious and unapologetic. “Uhm... is _that_ probably just from the physical contact, I guess?” Alex teased. Alex himself had been pretty much somewhere between wood and steel all night throughout their "accidental" touches.

“Yeah, probably,” Zach said jokingly. “Nothing at all specific to the beautiful guy in my arms.” He gazed at Alex lustily as they held each other and kissed deeply again. "So, about that one time, after PT, when you got hard in the locker room...” 

Alex chuckled and turned a little red. "Yeah?"

"Let me tell you something. I - uh... afterwards, when I was back home, I was jerking off...and I got off picturing you like that." Alex let out a little soft whimper and wrapped his legs a little tighter around Zach. "And then that other time, you know, when you told me that you did it three times in a row?”

”Yeah...”

”Later that night, I totally jerked off thinking about you doing it. Three times. The third one took a while, but it was so intense that I couldn’t even stand up for like...ten minutes after.”

"Oh, fuck," Alex whispered. They glanced at each other, too shy to take the next step, for a moment. A fleeting moment. 

"Do you want to -" / "YES" Alex interrupted Zach mid sentence. Zach gently took Alex's hand and slid it down the front of his pants, inside his tenting underwear. Alex grabbed on and gasped at Zach’s huge size. He gave a few light strokes, causing Zach to moan quietly. Zach undid Alex’s pants in the meantime, finally freeing Alex’s cock that was tender from straining all night. As Zach took it in his hand, Alex couldn’t help but buck his hips up with a sigh of pleasure. 

They took their time to kiss and stroke each other side by side, neither in a particular rush, instead basking in the sensations and the intimacy of what they were finally doing with each other. Learning how the other would react to a certain grip or touch or speed. There had always been a tender, patient, loving quality to Zach's attention for Alex.. whether during PT sessions, a dance lesson, carrying his books. This was on a whole other level. Ten other levels. It was far and away the most turned on either of them had ever been with anyone else. 

Alex came first, with a loud moan of relief, unable to hold out too long after a whole night of teasing and physicality. Seeing and feeling Alex explode quickly pulled Zach over the edge soon after. He throbbed in Alex’s hand as he shot, stifling his pleasured groan with his face buried in the crook of Alex’s neck. 

Panting to recover his breath, still nuzzled into Alex’s shoulder/the pillow, Zach said, “if that was a preview of our sex life, I won’t be able to keep my hands off of you.”

Alex couldn’t help the giddy smile on his face. “If that was a preview of our sex life, I won’t want you to.”

The tension that had built up between them slowly over the course of many months was finally released, and it felt like a relief way more than it felt awkward. They were mostly both relieved that their first experience with another guy was with each other, and that they didn’t try to do anything too complicated right away.

After cleaning up, they went downstairs and Alex put on a movie and they ate junky snacks and lounged around - not too different than what they normally might do when hanging out. Alex making sarcastic comments about the movie, and Zach saying things like, “it’s just a movie Alex!” and “it’s supposed to be dramatic, it's a drama." Gradually, the comments tapered off. Zach's eyelids were growing heavy. 

"I'm getting sleepy," he said with a yawn. “Alex?” He looked over at the other boy to see him dozed off in an awkwardly curled-up position. Zach smiled and gently picked him up, trying not to wake him. He carried Alex upstairs, set him down carefully in the bed, and tucked him in. Then he turned off the lights and laid down beside him. 

Zach had almost drifted off to sleep when Alex cried out distantly: “Mm-no!”

then: “noggin...noggin doothansah.” Alex murmured in his sleep, tossing and turning fitfully. 

_What is he saying?_ Zach leaned over and put his ear closer to Alex, trying to make sense of the feverish gibberish. 

”noggin doothansah. Noggin doothansah!” He was kind of muffled talking into his pillow, and growing more agitated in his sleep. Then a moment later, Alex twitched and flipped over a little bit. 

“noggin doothansah. Brys.” Zach perked up. Did he say...?

Then Alex, still asleep, but distressed: “You’re not gonna do anything to Zach. No, Bryce!” Zach realized he must be in a nightmare. _How often did he have these nightmares, and how long had they been going on for?_ He gently shook Alex on the shoulder, trying to snap him out of it without disturbing him too much. “Shhh,” Zach said quietly. Alex still murmured with distress as Zach tried to comfort him. Finally, Zach tried pulling Alex into a body hug, spooning from behind, giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead. 

Alex’s tense body relaxed gradually. Then he muttered, “ZachumfoogahOK.”

Soon, they both drifted off into a deep sleep.

* * *

Clay sat by himself in the corner of the library, furtively scanning the other students with a suspicious scowl on his face. Dark rings shadowed his eyes and looked like he was running on barely any sleep. Zach cautiously walked over and took a seat, but Clay barely acknowledged him, eventually giving him a long suspicious look. 

"Jensen, man, what are you doing?"

"They know. Somebody knows."

"Knows what?"

"Everything! Tyler, the dance, Bryce, Monty, the tape, our story, everything!"

"Jeez - Keep your voice down!" Zach hissed. "Calm down for a moment. You are acting way paranoid."

"What do you want?" Clay asked snappily. 

"Number one, just to see if you are doing ok. More on that later, clearly. And number two, I need to ask your help. I need some serious catch up tutoring."

"Tutoring? In what?"

Zach sighed. "Everything. Most of all physics and calc. Oh, and chemistry. Actually, English too. Agghh, everything."

Clay looked bewildered. "Since when? I thought you were a straight-A student?"

"I haven’t seen an A since well before winter break. I kind of took a downward turn, ever since..." he trailed off. "Oh, and I don’t know that I would consider myself straight anymore either," he added.

"Oh. Shit. Ok." Clay looked genuinely shocked, like that news brought him back down to Earth. “So are you serious about getting your grades back up again? Why now?”

“I guess you could say I have some newfound motivation. In the form of a certain sarcastic, salty blond who is turning my world upside down,” Zach admitted. 

Clay scrunched his face with puzzlement, but didn't inquire more. “Um, that’s great, but I have to be totally honest with you, if you are serious about turning this around, you will need to do a shit ton more studying... while sober.”

“I know. I know. I’ve been going to meetings. With Justin, actually. I’m six days sober and counting. We are going to hold each other accountable.” 

“That - that’s awesome.” Clay felt a measure of reassurance at this plan. It also had the side effect of helping with Justin’s recovery. If all of this also worked to help his brother, then all the better.

"So can you help me? I can't count on my athletic scholarship anymore because of my knee, and I definitely need to get my grades back up to even have a shot at holding my admission spot. I have to apply to other colleges as a backup too."

"I don't know Zach..." Clay said reluctantly. "I haven't tutored anyone since Jeff died."

The mention of Jeff Atkins cast a shadow over the conversation. He was beloved at the school; his effortless kindness and respect for everyone made him a leader in a league of his own. Many saw his tragic death as the first domino in a series of tragedies and hardships at Liberty. His loss hit Clay and Zach especially hard. 

For Clay, Jeff was his only lifeline from awkward nerddom to something half-resembling a social life. If it weren't for Jeff, Clay would never have had any of the few cherished moments that he did with Hannah. For Zach, Jeff was one of the only few other jocks who actually had a moral center, who tried to do good, and tried to lift others up rather than bully them or tear them down. Jeff's passing made Zach reflect on his own action. He saw the void of a positive presence on the team. By all accounts, he tried his best to live up to Jeff's ideals without much success. But he could keep trying. 

"Well I'm no Jeff," Zach stated the obvious quietly.

"I know. No one could be."

"But I do need your help to turn around this slump I've gotten into. And I probably can also teach you a thing or two about having fun, and about girls," Zach added. Clay chuckled a little bit. He could always use that. "And maybe about guys eventually, if you're into that. Not much experience in that department yet, though."

Clay gave him a weird look. "Ok, ok, deal," he relented. 

"Awesome!" Zach said. "Ok, I gotta run and meet up with Alex. His Stanford interview is in..." he glanced at his phone - "Shit! Ten minutes! Later!" 

Clay went to give him a wave, but Zach had dashed out already. 

_Alex is interviewing for Stanford? A certain sarcastic salty blond. Ohhh..._

* * *

Alex's interviewer for Stanford was a plain-dressed man in his thirties. "Are you ready to get started with the interview?" He smiled patiently at Alex, who shifted in his chair uncomfortably. 

Alex always hated being under the microscope like this, justifying his own worth to a stranger. One time, when interviewing for a job at the Walplex, he just stood up and walked straight out mid-question when the assistant manager, who was no older than Alex's brother and just as obnoxious, asked him: 'What are your weaknesses?' Luckily, Mrs. Baker offered him a part time job at Baker's drug store - at least until they sold it off. 

He also hated wearing a suit. They felt so constricting and suffocating, and wearing it now reminded him of the last time he wore one: to Hannah's funeral. But his mom insisted he wear it, _to look professional_. He didn't understand why; it's not like you wear a suit as part of the college experience. It would be more on point to wear a beer hat and flip flops. But later, when Zach saw him dressed up in the slim fitting, dark chocolate colored suit, hair slicked neatly to the side, his immediate and genuine reaction was, _DAMN Standall, you look handsome in the suit!_ And coming from Zach Dempsey, the stud of Liberty High, who often had girls tripping over each other to flirt with him in the halls, that gave Alex a huge boost of confidence. 

Alex had the impulse to give up and walk out multiple times during the interview. But whenever he felt his nerves rising as he stumbled through the questioning, Alex kept telling himself, _Zach is waiting outside and cheering me on_. 

Then towards the end of the interview time, the man asked, "Alex, why do you want to go to Stanford?”

_Maybe because it’s a really fucking good school? Obviously! Calm, Alex. Zach is right outside cheering me on. We prepared for this question._

”First of all, because it is a really good school, especially for psychology, which is the major I’m interested in. Eventually I want to work on suicide prevention in educational settings. Also, because of my experience, I think I have a lot to offer the student community.”

The interviewer nodded attentively. “Tell me more about that.”

”I’m think I'm more aware now of how the system is failing kids. I'm more likely to stand up to a bully. I'm more likely to notice the student who is depressed and thinking about hurting themself. And I won't give up on justice for sexual assault victims. At this school, we got a lot of lip service on the importance of mental health and stopping sexual assault and bullying, but we didn't see any real accountability. And I care more about changing that system, because I was one of those kids. I think these things are just as relevant at college as they are in high school." 

Later, in the hallway, Zach asked him how the interview went. Alex said: "It was hard, but it went mostly how we practiced. I think my last answer literally stunned him into silence."

* * *

Jess adjourned the meeting for _Hands Off_ after an emotional sharing session about a particular traumatic attack. As the group dispersed, she noticed a diminutive young Latina girl hanging back. 

"Hi, Estella, isn't it?" she asked with a big welcoming smile that masked a certain uneasiness at having Monty's younger sister in her orbit. _Keep your friends close_...

"Yes, thank you so much for letting me sit in on your meeting. It was really brave for Casey to share that story. I think it's really great what you have started here." 

Despite the potential risks, Jess sensed a kindred aura in the younger girl. "You know, this is a safe space. If you ever want to share anything, you won't be judged. You can talk to any of us, or if you're not comfortable, you can talk to me directly. Or you can listen until you're ready." 

"Thanks," Estella said. 

She probed just a little bit further, following her intuition. "You know, sometimes just listening and hearing others share their experience is enough to prepare you to speak out when the time is right." 

Estella let that sink in for a moment. “I will,” she said, and Jess believed her. “I have to get going, but see you around?” she gave Jess a little wave.

As she walked back to her locker, she checked her phone.

> **10:46am Winston** )) We found something
> 
> **10:48am Winston** )) Can you meet us after school today? 
> 
> **12:48am Winston** )) I think we are getting close to answers 

Estella sighed and didn’t reply. She was beginning to suspect that Winston and Diego were running in circles, chasing their tails, and wasn't sure it made sense to get sucked into their half-baked investigation. Hearing footsteps, she quickly locked her phone and slipped it in her pocket as Charlie caught up with her.

“Hey! Estella, how is everything? The guys on the team aren't giving you any more grief, I hope?”

“I’m good. Thanks for checking.”

“I just wanted you to know that not all jocks are the stereotypical bullies or assholes or whatever.”

“I know. And you should know that teenage girls are not always voiceless objects in need of a hero’s rescue,” she said.

“Point taken. Walk you to class?” He offered. She gestured 'let's go' with her hand, and Charlie followed next to her.

“But in this case, I do want to say thank you for bailing me out in the cafeteria that time. It’s so creepy, Diego and Luke caring so much that I wear my dead brother’s Jersey.

“Well, sometimes people expect you to act a certain way. They even want to tell you what to feel about things. But you can’t let them. ‘Cuz they don’t know what you’ve been through.”

Estella gave a little pained laugh of agreement. “Yeah... my brother and I had a _complicated_ relationship."

“You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to,” Charlie said, palms up. 

“It’s fine. I think he was maybe resentful that our dad was so much harder on him than me,” she shook her head sadly. “You know, parents...”

He didn’t. “I guess I could see how that could cause a raft between you.”

Estella smiled. “You mean a rift?”

“That’s it,” Charlie said, pointed at her.

* * *

The boys lay head-to-head on Alex’s bed, _The Fault in Our Stars-_ style, staring pensively at the ceiling after a long day.

“You talked in your sleep last night," Zach said. He tried not to sound too concerned, but wasn’t successful.

”I did? What did I say?”

”I think you were having a nightmare about Bryce... from that night. It sounded like ‘you’re not gonna do anything to Zach.’”

Alex was quiet for a while. His nightmare flashed through his mind: Bryce gripping him, screaming with rage, blood on his shirt, darkness around. “You know, I’ve never told you exactly where my head was at that night. Why it ended up the way it did. Now I’ve been haunted by that night for so long I think I have to work through it, or I may go crazy."

“You don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to. But, I once told you that we should be the type of friends that could tell each other anything. I think we should be the type of - er - um - I think we should still be able to.”

Alex sat up partially, propping himself on his elbows to look at Zach, with a smile. “Were you going to say boyfriends just now?”

Zach, who rarely gets flustered, was suddenly flustered. “No! I mean yes, but, I don’t mean to label us. Unless you want to label us, I know we just started this, but I assumed we were, or at least we would be soon - sorry, - ” he was babbling.

”Zach. Zach!” Alex interrupted him calmly and assuredly. “I would love to be your boyfriend, and for you to call me your boyfriend, if you want.” Zach smiled and took his hand. “And I agree we should be able to talk about anything. But you have to promise me something. You have to accept that no matter what I tell you about that night, everything I did was my own free will. My actions were my choices, ok?”

“What do you mean?” Zach said. 

“Just promise.” Alex was staring at him with those eyes. Those piercing, deep, crystal blue eyes. 

“Okay, okay, I promise,” he said with a serious nod. 

Alex took a deep breath. “When Jess and I got to the dock, Bryce was pretty badly hurt already from when you beat the crap out of him. He couldn’t even stand up or move. It started to rain. I realized that if we left him there, he could have died from hypothermia by morning, and there was a possibility you could go down for murder. So I went back to help him up. He was in pain and he screamed that he was going to destroy your other knee. He was going to come after you and not stop until he ruined your life. He was talking so clearly, like his true self was showing again. It was like him being nice to me and Tyler and apologizing to Jess was just an act that was now washed away. Somehow, I knew in that moment that if I didn’t stop him, he would cause you to suffer, and I just couldn’t let him. He had already hurt you so badly for no justified reason.” 

The impact of Alex’s explanation slowly began to sink in for Zach. He had never heard the full truth behind that night directly from Alex. They were both quiet as Alex gave Zach time and space to process it. Zach had been so absorbed in his own role, but it was so much worse than that. 

”You protected me twice that night. The first time so I could avoid a murder rap, and the second time to stop someone threatening my life. I created a huge mess... and you had to dealt with it.”

“Zach.”

“And in the process, you took the guilt burden of taking another life on your conscience.” As the dots connected in his mind, Zach couldn't stop tears from escaping as he realized the totality of the burden that he had left on Alex. “Alex, I'm sorry," he could barely talk. "I'm sorry that I put you in that position, I'm sorry, I -"

“No, no, you can't think that. You promised you wouldn’t think that. You didn’t ask me to take any actions or make any decisions. It’s not your fault that Bryce attacked you at homecoming, it's not your fault he's a fucking evil rapist who wanted to hurt people. As for you beating his ass... you already confessed to that. You owned up to that with the authorities, and it's done."

"I confessed to it, but I don't know how I can live with it. Or with what it's done to you, and to your conscience. You're having nightmares, Alex! Six months later and you're still having fucking nightmares!" Zach looked utterly distraught with the realization. 

"Zach, listen to me! I did what I did to protect you. And if I have you here and now because of it, then I'll eventually be able to get better. You _have_ to forgive yourself for that night, we have to forgive each other, or else the guilt is going to destroy our lives. And I need your strength." Those eyes. They were scanning, searching his, desperate to find understanding and confirmation. 

Zach's act of ultimate selfishness, his rage-revenge beating of Bryce the night of homecoming, was followed by an act of ultimate selflessness: Alex protecting him in the greatest way possible. And Zach saw then, clear as day, what was unspoken: No friend, no matter how close, would have risked so much for him. Alex loved him, _truly_ loved him the whole time. It also confirmed another realization that Zach was gradually coming to understand: he truly loved Alex. The whole time. 

“You have me. Here and now. We have each other,” Zach replied. 


	6. Families

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys’ talks with their families do not go as expected. Alex gets an earful about justice and worries about their future. Diego and Winston’s enthusiasm for investigation fades.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work mentions and addresses a variety of sensitive topics raised in the TV show, including sexual assault and suicide. Reader discretion is advised.

Alex was bored sitting in the gym waiting area and scrolling mindlessly through his phone. After more than fifteen minutes, Tony walked briskly through the doors, and dumped his gym bag on the floor next to Alex. He sat down heavily in one of the armchairs. At first Alex was annoyed that his friend was late, but he immediately saw Tony's face had a cut and a bruise.

"Whoah, what happened?" Alex said, shocked. "Did you book a fight and not tell us?"

"No," Tony answered curtly. "I had to take care of business again. Don't tell Caleb. Or Clay."

"I think Caleb will be able to figure it out. What kind of 'business,' exactly?"

"Caught a couple guys trying to break into my Mustang early this morning. Two against one, but neither of them will touch my car every again." Wearily, he led them over to the speed bag for warmup. Alex followed, still a little bit concerned. "Let's do one minute each hand. Left first." 

"Isn't that something the cops should have handled?" Alex said, striking the bag in a circular rhythmic motion.

"In this neighborhood?" Tony shook his head. "No cops coming out here for auto crimes. Maybe because your dad is a cop, you think law enforcement is real justice. Let me tell you what I told Clay one time, when me and my brothers caught some guy harassing our sister: Justice isn’t applied fairly in this world." 

These training sessions were not just about the physical fighting, although Alex was learning plenty of that. Tony was also gradually teaching his entire philosophy, about boxing and life, during their workouts. Alex humored him. "Ok, what do you mean?"

He gestured for Alex to switch hands on the speed bag. "I mean, if you are wealthy, or come from the right family, or have the right skin color, or live in the right neighborhood... you have protection. From being a victim, and protection if you’re the one victimizing others. Some of us don’t have any of those things, and the only justice we have is the kind we make for ourselves."

"So we should just be like...vigilantes?" asked Alex sarcastically. 

"Let me ask you this. Why are you the only one at school who ever stood up to Monty's bullying, multiple times?

"I don't know. I guess I have a death wish. Stupidity? Stubbornness?"

Tony laughed as he pulled out the heavy bag and stood behind it. He braced himself and motioned for Alex to start a few combo shots. "Maybe. Also, you are the only student in that miserable school who had the courage to do the right thing, protect yourself and others. That's what I like about you. That's what we like about you." He looked around to make sure no one else was within earshot of their training area. In a low voice he said, "it's the same reason why we all back you up for what happened with Bryce." 

Alex lowered his gloves to catch his breath. "I don't think it was my place to decide that," he said. 

Tony shook his head. "And I don't think you are getting my point. The person who had the responsibility to decide - the judge - failed his duty. There's nine girls still out there that Bryce hurt, including Jess. Who would they say got them closer to real Justice? The judge? Or you?"

By then, Alex was too out of breath to argue. He just shrugged.

Tony nodded. "Right. Now let's get you in the ring."

* * *

“Dear Mr. Dempsey, we are writing to inform you that your school has reported a GPA below the minimum required to hold your early admissions offer. Furthermore, we have not received an update about your continued eligibility for an athletic scholarship from your school’s athletic program director. As you know, athletic scholarship awards are dependent on continued regular participation and performance in the sport for which the scholarship was awarded.” Karen Dempsey stared at Zach with a furious piercing gaze. 

“Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey, what is your explanation for this?” She waved the letter that she intercepted from USC, the college where his football scholarship was supposed to be waiting. To see her this emotionally angry was rare - the normally buttoned-down, conservatively dressed Asian woman in understated dresses and expensive but traditional jewelry. 

"It's really complicated, ok? I've been going through a lot of difficult stuff this year. It's affected -" Zach was going to say everything; but instead, he said, "it's affected my grades."

"How do you expect to get into USC accounting like this?"

Zach groaned. "Will you please calm down. It's just a warning letter. If I do really well on my finals, I can still get in. And Coach Kerba recommended an orthopedic specialist, I'm going to make an appointment for him to look at my knee tomorrow."

"How did you let it get to this point, Zachary? Have you been drinking again?" she said suspiciously.

"No! Will you get off my case! And so what if I don't get in, it's not the end of the world. I can go somewhere else." Zach normally showed total deference to her, but he was agitated, and couldn’t resist pushing her buttons.

"Your father went to USC. You know how disappointed he would be if you didn’t get in?"

"Dad's dead!!" Zach blurted angrily, shocking his mother with the outburst. "He would care more about me being happy than going to any one school. And if you weren’t so obsessed with turning me into dad, you would know that." 

"Don’t you _dare_ talk to your mother that way. You don’t think I care about your future or your happiness?”

"You have no idea what actually makes me happy."

"How can you say such a thing after everything we've given you."

"Alex. Alex makes me happy!" he declared defiantly. He was little bit surprised that he said it out loud and so forcefully, as he was normally guarded about how much he told his mom. Now that he had, he stared her down, daring her to say something. 

"What on Earth are you talking about?"

"What do you think."

“You think this is funny?" she asked, waving the letter in her hand, eyes practically bugging out. "Now you are spouting nonsense and just making up jokes?”

Exasperated, Zach stormed out of the kitchen and went up to his room, slamming the door shut behind him in frustration. He slumped onto the bed, drained from another big fight with his mom. Ever since his father's death, she had become increasingly controlling. Monitoring his whereabouts, tracking his phone GPS, even setting up cameras in his bedroom. Even thinking about that, and seeing the camera from across the room, irritated him. He picked up a baseball lying on the floor and whipped it at the camera, knocking it off the windowsill. 

After several minutes, there was a tiny knock at his door. At first he thought his mom may be coming to ask follow up questions, but instead his little sister May poked her head in. Seeing the coast was clear, she went over to Zach and sat down on the bed next to him with her head resting on Zach’s shoulder. He put his arm around her shoulders. And they just sat like that for a long while. 

Then, summarizing everything she overheard and everything she wanted her brother to know, she simply said, “Alex is nice. I like him too.”

Zach pulled her into a hug.

* * *

Alex opened the door for Zach, the savory smell of roast beef dinner wafted out of the house. Alex was wearing slim grey sweatpants and a tight plain white tee. His blond hair was a bit messy and matted. Yet somehow, no matter whether in a tailored suit or at his most casual, Alex still made Zach’s heart race. Zach was rocking his own casual look, wearing his teal hoodie over an eggplant v-neck and black jeans. 

"You're early," Alex said with a surprised grin. 

“Yeah, I got into it with my mom, so I didn't feel like hanging around the house.”

“That sucks. Is everything ok?” He asked. "Don't worry," he added, noticing Zach looking around. "My parents left to go pick up Peter from the airport, they'll be back soon. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Peter is also gonna be here for dinner."

“I’m okay, but that makes me a little nervous... are we still doing 'the plan'"?

Alex took a deep breath, also looking a little stressed. "Yeah, are you sure you’re ready?”

"As long as you want to, I am. It'll be okay. Your parents are cool.”

He went to give Zach a quick kiss on the cheek to indicate yes. “I do. Sorry. I’m super gross right now, I just got back from boxing and I haven't showered yet.”

Zach looked slightly intrigued. "Oh well in _that_ case - ", he pulled his boyfriend into a warm, lingering bear hug, and several tender kisses. “Yeah. _Sooo_ gross,” Zach said into Alex’s lips. 

Alex couldn't help but crack up. "I'm telling you -" kiss "- haha! I'm all nasty -" kiss " - you weirdo - " kiss " - handsome weirdo, hehe," he managed.

"Well then I guess - " kiss "- that makes me nasty now too - " kiss "- so I should probably -" kiss “- just shower with you,” Zach said.

“Are you crazy? What if my family comes home?” Alex laughed. Zach shrugged. "Wait - you're serious?" Zach was doing the hot banter thing that most people assumed was never serious. Alex scanned his face for a second - he knew Zach well enough to know that he wasn't always kidding.

_Oh fuck. He's totally serious._

His rational brain was screaming _this is a terrible idea_ , but his horny teenager brain muffled it with a pillow. “Well, hurry up then!” He called out as he rushed up the stairs. The two of them hurried upstairs, frantically casting off their clothes on the floor on the way, in the hallway and bathroom. 

Alex turned on the hot water and stepped in; Zach following right behind, grabbing him so enthusiastically that he practically lifted the smaller boy up off the floor. Alex hungrily kissed his boyfriend as the water streamed down on them. He got the body wash and ran it along Zach’s bare muscled chest and shoulders, while Zach washed Alex’s back, hands wandering down to his butt. There was no need for banter about who had gotten who hard - they were both achingly so, and their hands each wandered down for confirmation, as their kissing was hardly broken the entire time.

“Oh my god,” Zach said, his legs almost buckling from the sensations of Alex’s hand stroking him with the soap suds. 

Alex could only manage a low moan in reply, leaning heavily against Zach in pleasure. After just a few minutes, he panted, “I’m getting close already...” Zach took his hand off to prolong the moment of their bodies pressed together under the cascade of warm water.

Just then, they heard the sound of the door downstairs. Alex’s eyes flew open. “Shit! They’re back!”

“What do we do?” 

“Uh, _we_ can't do anything now. _You_ get out and go hide in my room.”

"What? What are you going to do?"

"Finish showering like I'm supposed to! Go! I’ll owe you later!” He would be laughing at their predicament if it wasn’t so risky and embarrassing.

Zach growled a complaint that combined being wet and frustrated at the interruption, but this was his crackpot idea in the first place. He grabbed his clothes off the floor and quickly snuck out to Alex's room. 

* * *

Alex's family was getting ready to eat when they came downstairs. Bill and Peter were setting the table and Alex's mom was carving the roast.

"Hi boys," Carolyn said warmly. She saw that they were hanging back a little timidly in the kitchen archway. She also found it slightly odd that both Zach and Alex's hair was wet, but filed that away for the moment. "Come join us!"

Alex took a deep breath. _Moment of truth_. “Zach and I..." The words got caught in his throat as his family looked at them expectantly. Zach squeezed Alex's hand in reassurance. "We have something to tell you... Zach is my boyfriend.” 

“Ohh,” Carolyn said, trying to act surprised. 

“Okay,” Bill said with a nod that seemed to imply not just acceptance that had been reached some time ago, but a certain degree of approval.

“No shit? That’s fucking awesome, my brother is dating the captain slash coach of the Liberty Tigers football team?”

“Peter - language please,” his mom scolded.

“Well Zach, I hope you like roast beef!” Deputy Standall said.

“Uh, yeah,” Zach confirmed, a little stunned by the general non-response response of Alex’s family. 

“Zach is sitting next to me,” Peter announced, pulling out a chair. “I have to hear about the offense this year.”

“I’ll help serve plates,” Alex volunteered. As he heaped potatoes onto plates, he said to his mom, “I guess I thought this was going to be a bigger deal.”

“Oh honey. Are you guys happy?”

“Yeah,” Alex said shyly. 

“Is he good to you?” 

Alex watched Zach chatting with his brother and dad, pretty similar to when he would come visit at the house before. He thought of all the times Zach had helped him, before and especially after his suicide attempt. He thought of patient physical therapy sessions. Driving him everywhere. He thought of being virtually brought back from drowning at the lake. Of rooftop II. Maybe a little bit about his sexy body. Ok, getting off topic.

“Yeah. He really is,” Alex said emphatically. 

“Then it is a big deal to me,” she said, giving her son a hug. "I love you. And Zach too."

Alex gave her a big smile, trying not to cry, but he ended up wiping away a couple tears of relief. "Thanks mom. I love you too."

"Let's eat," Carolyn announced. They sat down and passed around dishes, eating and trying not to be too nosy about Alex and Zach's relationship - without much success. Partway through dinner, Carolyn felt her phone vibrating. She wasn't going to answer initially, but had a gut feeling and glanced at it quickly. 

> ((( **Incoming** ))) Karen Dempsey

"You know what, I better take this. It's the hospital," she lied. She excused herself and stepped into the side office for privacy, shutting the door behind her. "Hi. I think I might know why you're calling..."

* * *

The boys lazed around Alex's room after dinner, behaving themselves after the close call earlier. Zach leafed through some old magazines. Alex put on some music - something definitely still indy, but a little more easygoing than the depressing stuff he used to listen to, partly for Zach's sake but also because he just wasn't in that same mental and artistic headspace that he used to be, back when he had bleach blond hair and put a gun to his temple. He made the motions of tidying up a bit, mostly just moving junk around the room from one spot to another. 

"So what was the big fight about with you and your mom?"

Zach took out the letter from USC and showed it to Alex. 

"I’ve been planning to play football at USC since I first stepped foot in Liberty. There’s just so much pressure on me to go there, it’s what my dad wanted. Before he died, he helped me research the applications and everything.”

Alex scanned the letter. "Zach, I'm sorry." 

"It's OK. It's nobody's fault, except maybe Bryce. Anyway, it's a warning notice. Maybe there's still a chance that I could do really well on my finals, and maybe I can do some PT on my knee or get knee surgery or something. Coach Kerba thinks I there's always a chance I could still play. He doesn't want me to give up." 

Alex decided to ask a question they had been tip-toeing around ever since they practiced for his Stanford interview. “What if you go off to USC, and I’m up here going to school in NorCal? What happens to us?”

A sad look crossed Zach's face. “I dunno. What ... what do you want to happen?”

Alex didn’t answer for a long time. “I wish we could both reject all this college bullshit, and just run off somewhere together and live our lives in peace.” He was doing that thing he does, where most people can't tell if he's kidding or serious. 

Zach knew that tone well enough to know that Alex was a little bit serious. He smiled wistfully. “I think we’d miss our families. Some of us more than others, I’d guess. And as much as two crippled fugitives living off the wilderness sounds romantic...”

”It does.” _Kidding or serious? 40% serious._

“... I’d say we both have unfinished business - things to contribute and things to learn - here on planet reality,” Zach said. 

Alex exhaled in a deep sigh. “But on that planet... are Zach and Alex separated by a six hour drive?”

”I dunno. Maybe, if I can crush my finals, and figure out how to fix my knee with surgery or PT.”

”And you still want to? Do all that?”

Zach was growing irritated by the line of questioning. “You sound like you _don’t_ want me to. Alex, just because not everyone is trying for Stanford, doesn't mean we can't have our own dreams.” 

"I didn't say that," Alex shot back testily, "I'm saying I want us to stay together. Sorry for assuming my boyfriend wanted the same thing."

"Well I'm sorry for assuming my boyfriend would be supportive!" Zach felt like he was having an out of body experience, watching himself continue to argue with Alex and unable to stop himself. He felt like he was being pulled apart by his parents going in one direction and his boyfriend in another, and he hated the situation and himself. 

Alex was slipping into a panic spiral, but in his brain, it got short circuited and channeled into outward anger. “So...what? You'll just go off to LA in a few months? And get some kind of fucking cyborg knee implant, and play football and what? If that was your plan all along, then why did we even bother getting together in the first place?"

Zach had to bite his tongue, hard, before he said something he would regret. His head was swirling; he knew that they had avoided the topic, but how did this argument escalate so fast? And about situations that were still hypothetical?

"It's getting late. I think I better go," he said softly, getting up to leave.

"Zach..." Alex was at a loss, and he didn't know how to make it right. So he just flopped down onto the bed on his back and stared at the ceiling and let Zach leave. 

* * *

At school the next day, late in the afternoon, Charlie and Estela found Diego and Winston waiting in the basement meeting room for _Hands Off_. The girl group (plus Tyler) had long since packed up for the day, making it a perfect clandestine location on school grounds. Charlie and no idea why Diego and Winston had asked to meet with Estela, nor why she wanted him to join, but the whole situations seemed a little bit unsafe. He could handle himself and was generally respected around the school, but Diego could still probably beat the shit out of him. He wondered if Diego had beat the shit out of a lot of people. Winston and Diego were in the middle of quietly trading theories and poking holes in each others' theories when Charlie and Estela entered. 

"What's he doing here?" Diego said, scowling at Charlie.

"Relax, I asked him to come along. What is this all about?" Estela demanded.

Diego took out the tape and transferred it to an old tabletop tape player. "I found this in Jess' room, hidden away in her desk," he said. Charlie recognized the tape instantly, but he didn't give away any reaction. He desperately tried to remember exactly what the recording said.   
  
"What is it?" Estela asked.

Winston said, "It’s a tape. Recorded by Bryce walker for Jess. Now, why would Jess have a tape from Bryce walker?"

Charlie glanced at Estela, trying to gauge her reaction. His heart was pounding a thousand beats a minute. _He never mentioned a time or a date on the recording... did he?_ "That doesn’t necessarily mean anything," he said, voice wavering ever so slightly.  
  
Estela nodded. "I trust Jess, I don’t think she had anything to do with all this." 

"Well, why would she be hiding it? Why not come forward with it?" Winston asked. The four of them stared at each other. Charlie, his alarms raised, felt trapped, as though saying one wrong thing would imperil the entire group. "And here's another interesting thing," Winston continued. "The tape case is very, very clean on the outside. But on the inside, on the piece of index card paper, there is a tiny brown dot in the corner. I would be curious to get this tested at a private lab, because I think it could be blood. And you know what else I think?"

_Please don't be right, please don't be right._

"I think Bryce gave that tape to Jess the night he died, and that is his blood." Diego nodded supportively, and it was clear to everyone who the brains of the operation was.

"Have - have you listened to it?" Asked Charlie.

"Just the beginning," Diego said.

"We thought we should listen to it together," Winston added. Charlie didn't object. Estela took a step closer to the table but didn't sit down. She nodded to say 'ok', and Winston pushed the tape deck to the center of the table and pressed play. 

> Hey Jess, it's me. Yeah, I know, a tape. Yes, I did it on purpose. Not to be a dick but because the day I listened to those tapes, my life changed. And I bet the same is true for you. And for Justin and Zach and everyone. And I wanted to give you this. I thought you'd hear me better if I wasn't standing in front of you.
> 
> You said I had no idea what I'd done to you. You were right. I can't stop thinking about you. Replaying that night in my mind.
> 
> I raped you.

The boys were so absorbed in the tape and listening for clues about what happened that they didn't see Estela's eyes go wide, and her face frozen with a look of dread. 

> I heard you say no, and I did it anyway. Because I wanted to and I didn't care how you felt. Justin tried to stop me. I wish I could tell you that there was a tiny voice in my head telling me that what I was doing to you was wrong. There wasn't. I never had one of those before.
> 
> That's not an excuse. It just is.
> 
> I raped Hannah Baker. I raped 7 or 8 other girls–some of them were my girlfriends at the time. I won't name them but if they choose to tell you...believe them.

Charlie noticed that Estela was trembling, and looked unsteady on her feet. Concerned, he said, “stop the tape for a minute. Stop the tape!” Winston pressed the stop button. “Are you ok? What’s wrong?”

Blinking a tear out of her eye, she said, "I was one of the eight other girls." 

_If they choose to tell you...believe them._

The three boys had shocked looks. After what seemed like forever, Winston said, dumbly, "Why didn't you tell Monty?"

"Because Monty let him do it!" Estella cried sharply. "Monty was there. One night, when Bryce was hanging out late at the house, and my dad was working late. I think they had gotten into the liquor cabinet and got really drunk. I just remember I was falling asleep in my bed when Bryce came in, and he..." Estela had never told anyone this story before. She was so close to turning around and running out of the room, out of the school, but being in that particular room brought her back to what Jess told her days before: _speak up when the time is right_. So she did.

"He got under the covers and covered my mouth and held me down and took off my underwear. Monty saw what he was doing to me, but Bryce threw him out of my room and shut the door. And Monty let him do it. I remember, I had this huge fight with Monty earlier that day, but kept thinking, surely he is going to come in and stop Bryce. But he just waited outside my room and he knew the whole time and he did nothing..."

The three other boys listened silently as she recounted her ordeal. Charlie heard an eerily similar situation to Jess' own rape. Diego in particular looked at Winston and shook his head trying to process the information.

"I don't know what kind of hold Bryce had on the rest of the team, but it was so strong. He was like some kind of cult leader to them. Monty would do anything for Bryce, horrible awful things. When I heard you were looking into the truth about what happened - whether Monty really killed Bryce - a part of me wished that he did. A part of me wished that my brother finally stood up for me. A part of me was happy that someone finally did, even if it wasn't my brother." 

Winston asked, “When did it happen?” For some reason, he hoped that it happened after he met Monty. 

“It was still pretty early on in their friendship... maybe two years ago.” She covered her eyes with her hand. 

Charlie said, barely audible, "two years ago?"

"I had just turned fourteen." 

"Oh, _HELL_ no," Diego said with an expression that was horrified and nauseated. "That's fuuuuuuucked up. I have a younger sister," he added, shaking his head and backing up slowly away from the tape. "I'm out. I'm out." He turned and stormed off without another word. 

Winston looked chagrined and didn't know what to say. He mouthed like he wanted to ask or say something but nothing came out. So he put the walkman down on the table, with the tape still inside it, and started to leave. As he went out the door, he turned to say a quiet, "I'm sorry," but not able to look Estella in the eye. 

===========================

Outro: Mallory Bechtel - Requiem (DEH)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize/warn readers who feel that certain Ship(s) in the 13rw fandom (including some very popular ones) are being thrown under the bus. This is purely for the service of the narrative mission of this fic, and is not meant to criticize any other works or Ships.


End file.
